What kind of man do you want to be: a guide for trans men
FAQ: Gay Men and Gay FtMs Redux
Swimming for pre-top FtMs

Personal Musings on Transition and Futility

Every now and then I’ll get a string of posts about butch lesbians and/or masculine women on my Tumblr dash and think to myself “I could do that”.  Because at this point I’ve been out for a fucking decade and still only get read properly half the time so it’s not like I’m getting any benefit from the needle I jab into my thigh once a week.

Then I remember that I tried doing that.  I tried doing that my entire life until I came out.  It never quite worked.  It wasn’t awful or anything, I’ve never been quite as dysphoric as some guys.  It was just…off.  I found the phrase “female to male transsexual” and knew that it fit.  I never had to think about it.

Even at my most feminine (which still would’ve fallen easily into the realm of “soft butch”), I never seemed to manage the whole “girl” thing well.  I found out after I came out that a number of my friends didn’t realise I wasn’t a cis guy.  Something about me is irrevocably male.  I don’t know how or why or even what it is, really, but “girl” and “woman” don’t fit.

Life would be so much easier if they did.  I was a badass girl.  I’m gay and rather swishy and these days resemble a young Tim Gunn more than anyone else, but I’ve also always wanted to be the best at everything.  Growing up that meant running faster, climbing higher, and fighting harder than any of the boys.  It meant working as hard as I could to ensure I had won the respect of anyone I associated with.  Until I came out I fully expected that I’d be the “first woman” something simply because I refused to accept anything else.  (First woman Marine Corps sniper was my ideal goal, but I’d have taken President.)

I never had trouble being taken seriously as a girl.  I never had trouble ensuring straight boys/men listened to me.  I was never considered bossy or bitchy or any of the other insults that are often hurled at strong women.  It’s only when people view me as the gay man I am that I encounter problems.  Then all of a sudden I’m vapid or silly or otherwise not worth listening to.

It’d be nice to be able to throw that away.  To be able to go back to being a masculine-neutral woman who was considered competent rather than frivolous.  Unfortunately, that’s not a real option.  It didn’t fit growing up and it doesn’t fit now.  Sometimes I wish it did.  If nothing else, I make a really cute soft butch.

Things I wish people had been more candid about when I was coming out

In January I hit nine years since I first came out.  That’s nine years of reading forums and message boards and LJ and Tumblr and various other online resources.  It’s nine years of support groups and activist groups and attempts at finding other trans guys who don’t make me want to shoot myself or them.  In a couple of weeks it’ll been nine years on various forms of T (not accounting for the times I had to go off for monetary reasons).  That’s not as long as some of the veterans in the community when I was coming out, but it feels like a lifetime ago.  In that time I’ve found that there are a few things that guys tend to talk around without really going into detail.  I’m going to try to cover them here.

  1. Ass hairSeriously.  Ass hair.  Everyone makes this sound like hair on your ass cheeks, but that’s not necessarily it.  It also means hair growing around your asshole.  Which means one day you’re wiping your ass and realise there is hair coming out of the crack.  You know how when your arm is down there’s sometimes pit hair showing between your arm and torso?  Like that only with your ass.  Just a warning, trying to take a pair of scissors to it is very tricky.
  2. Not everyone passes right away.  Not everyone passes at all.  Most guys will.  Most guys will go on T and pass at least within a year or two.  Some of us are incredibly unlucky though and will continue to be read as “something in between” indefinitely.  I look almost exactly like my father did when he was 20.  I have cousins a year old and a year younger who look like darker skinned versions of me.  I still get read as a butch woman about 40% of the time.  That’s just genetics.  Accept it, find a way to make it work for you, and move on.
  3. There is no such thing as a “standard” dose of T.  Let me repeat that, there is no such thing as a standard dose of T.  There are doses that are more common, doses that doctors are more comfortable with, but there is no guarantee that that will be the dose that works best for you.  I am currently on 200mg/wk of injectable T.  That is double what everyone said was the “standard” dose when I was coming out.  That is the dose that I require in order to have testosterone levels in the mid-range for cis man of my age.  I know other guys who are on as low as 25mg/wk.  Get your blood work done, keep track of your levels, and find out what works best for your specific body.
  4. Stealth isn’t an all or nothing deal.  You don’t have to either never tell anyone ever or come out to every single person you meet.  It’s not that simple.  I’m out to my doctor, my partners, and the guy who had medical power of attorney when I first moved here.  In California I’m out to almost everyone I know.  In Israel every single person I know.  It’s ok to decide as you go along.  It’s ok to decide that you feel comfortable enough to come out in one area but not in another.  The only thing to be a little aware of is that if you put it online it’s not going to go away no matter how hard you try so be a bit more cautious there.
  5. The name you pick when you first come out doesn’t necessarily have to be the name you keep forever.  I’m in the process of changing my name for a third time.  Why?  Because the first time I didn’t realise how much I don’t enjoy being out and had already made myself too easily outed as a trans guy online.  Now I’m realising that picking a nondescript white name has never felt quite right.  I didn’t realise how important being Latino was going to become to me because in California every other person is Latino so it doesn’t really matter.  Yes, it is kind of a logistical nightmare.  Yes, the people who know I’m trans do make fun of me.  Yes, the people who don’t know do ask questions.  None of those things are impossible to deal with though.  You might want to make the transition a little easier by keeping whatever name you currently go by as a middle name, but at the end of the day it’s your life.  Everyone else will adjust.
  6. Fat does not shift when you start T.  God do I hate how people phrase that.  Your body fat does not magically move around on its own.  That’s not how it works.  What happens is that T tells your body to store new fat in different locations.  If you continue to store new fat without using up whatever fat you already had stored you will simply end up with fat in both traditionally male and female areas.  This is a good reason to eat healthy and get regular exercise.  Don’t starve yourself, don’t force yourself to run fifteen miles a day, just be sensible.  We all know that living off Burger King isn’t a good idea if you can avoid it.  This isn’t new information.  T already puts us at higher risk of high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and RBC count, do yourself a favour and don’t make things worse by ignoring your overall health.
  7. There is nothing wrong with deciding that transition isn’t for you.  There’s a tendency within trans circles to whisper about “detransition” and going off T and how so-and-so is a girl again.  Ignore the whispers.  They’re idiotic.  You are the only person who knows what is going on inside of your head.  If you go on T and find you don’t like the effects, if you cringe at the idea of chopping off your breasts, if you find you were confused or pressured or dealing with trauma or whatever might be the case, that’s not a big deal.  You’re the one who has to live with your body.  You’re the one who has to live with however society views you.  Do what makes you happy.

The Secret World of Alex Mack (or how media made my childhood easier)

When I was growing up there was this show called The Secret World of Alex Mack.  It was a tween-oriented series centred around a girl (Alex Mack) who was accidentally covered in this industrial goop and developed weird powers.  Like most shows of the time, the target audience was gender neutral and included an opposite-gender best friend.  Every time someone asks me how it is I had very few problems with gender growing up I point to this show because it’s such a perfect example of the slightly odd period of the mid-90s I grew up in.

Note that Alex wasn’t meant to be a tomboy, she’s an average girl in a suburban town.  Who happened to dress not that differently from me.

Alex got girlier as she got older, but particularly early on the girly girls were portrayed as slightly different from ‘normal’.

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It wasn’t just Alex Mack either, most of the media I grew up on featured boys and girls that weren’t that different from each other.  See: the abundance of flannel even on the very much teenage girls Angela Chase and Rayanne Graff from My So-Called Life, particularly when contrasted with Sharon Cherski, Angela’s childhood friend.

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Back to Sherwood and The Adventures of Shirley Holmes were also favourites of mine, but they weren’t nearly as popular and are therefore difficult to find images for.  Are You Afraid of the Dark? always featured at least one tween girl in a backwards ball cap and ripped jeans.

The thing I think a lot of people forget is that the late 90s US was still very much inspired by grunge.  Teen and tween clothes were largely baggy, shapeless, and hobo-like.  It’s not something I enjoy now, but as a child it meant that there was no pressure to dress like a Spice Girl because no girls dressed like that.  It wasn’t until I was in the latter half of high school that the fashion influences of pop music really started hitting California.  Before that girls may have wanted to look like Britney Spears, but no school and very few parents would have allowed it even assuming they could find the clothes.

In contrast, most of the kids I know now watch things like The Haunted Hathaways

Or Good Luck Charlie

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Or A.N.T. Farm

Even shows like Liv and Maddie feature a tomboy who would have been considered girly when I was growing up.

I can’t imagine being a little trans guy right now.  All of the girls on TV and in movies seem to be these perfectly coiffed, slender beauties who need some sort of frill or pastel to be fully dressed.  Yeah, I probably would’ve realised sooner if this is what I had to go off of, but I also would have been miserable for many years because there is no way I could have come out to my parents.

Passing when you don’t pass

I’m back home (San Francisco) for a few weeks and it’s been bringing up a ton of memories (both good and bad).  One of those is of starting T.  Made me realise that I’m heading toward 10 years on T now and oh my god do I hate so many of you.

See, I am still hairless (don’t mind really), scrawny (mind a lot), high voiced (eh, whatever), “delicate” (fuck everyone), and otherwise feminine enough that I pass somewhere around 50% of the time in most areas.  Here I pass closer to 95% of the time, but it’s definitely an exception.

I also am only out to around 5 people where I live.  In the entire time since deciding to transition, I’ve had problems with questions/rumours about my being trans a grand total of three times.  Once because I made a bad call about a guy who ended up being an asshole.

I’ve been meaning to write a post on how I manage this almost since I started this blog, but I never got around to it.  I think I always told myself that at some point I’d start passing more and then I could write about it from a more detached perspective.  That doesn’t look to be happening so I’m doing it now.

Most of what helps me avoid having to out myself is probably not all that helpful to most other people.  I seem to have had a fairly unique childhood that ends up being closer to that of guys who came out as children/early teens than guys who came out around 18-22 like I did.  I’m going to list them anyway though in case they’re helpful to anyone else.

  • I’m Latino.  The average male height in Mexico is 5’7″.  That makes me short even by those standards, but not as short as when compared to the US average of 5’10”.  (Some sources say Mexico’s average male height is 5’5″ which is closer to the average height of men in my family.)
  • The men in my family are equally small.  This is one that will not apply to most guys who have issues passing.  I have old family pictures that show my uncles with no real body or facial hair.  When my cousin moved in with me it helped because he’s 18 now and just barely an inch or two taller than me.  People just assume my family has odd genetics (which we do) and move on.
  • I had a very neutral childhood.  I’ve never been afraid of talking about my childhood or pulling out pictures of me as a kid because for where I grew up it wasn’t particularly girly.  One of my sisters sent me a box of childhood pictures she rescued from our parents and other than a handful (first communion, various weddings, quinceañera) they’re all boyish enough.  I was in middle school in the mid-90s, the boys’ and girls’ sections of clothing stores looked basically the same.  Bit more blue in the boys’ sections.
  • I have no issues lying.  This seems to be a big one trans guys have problems with.  I don’t give a damn about lying to someone if they ask if I’m trans.  They are asking about my genitalia, I see no reason to act like the basic rules of polite society are still in play.
  • I have friends who also have no issues lying. The people who I’m out to know that they are 100% expected to lie if someone asks them if I’m trans.  This is something I think is a basic requirement of an ally.  I do not care what your opinions on lying are, outing a trans person has serious consequences and cannot be taken back.  You shouldn’t do it if you aren’t willing to risk ruining someone’s entire life.
  • I have an answer for everything.  This came with practice.  I moved around a lot when I was first transitioning which meant I had to deal with new people asking the same questions over and over.  It took a few rounds, but after a while I learned how to deal with any question that might come up.
  • I don’t take outings seriously.  This is hard.  Really hard.  I’ve found that the best response to an outing by someone who’s not close to you is to laugh though.  Treat it like a joke.  Play confused.  If they’re an old boyfriend/hook-up make a comment about how they probably wish that was true because at least then they’d have an excuse for the god awful sex.  Roll your eyes and say that it’s sad how limited their imagination is — of course the tiny, feminine-looking guy is trans.  Totally the first time you’ve heard that before.  Idiot can’t even come up with something original.
  • I keep my trans-related politics quiet.  I am still involved with trans politics.  I do still go to support groups and work on basic access issues.  I just don’t make it my entire life.  I work primarily as an ally.  I use the words “they” and “them” a lot.  The trans groups I go to are all out of my city.  People know I’m stealth so they know not to out me.  Occasionally this does require not correcting someone when they’ve said something offensive or generalising, but honestly I have to do that sometimes even with the oppressed groups I’m open about being a part of.  Sometimes it’s better to save the fight for another time.
  • Really I think the biggest one is that I’m confident and unapologetic.  Yeah, I’m short.  I’m “dainty”.  I have a high voice and I can’t lift heavy things and I tend to squeal over cute animals.  I don’t hide those things though.  I don’t give a damn if other people have a problem with them.  I expect people to treat me as the man I am regardless of my physical appearance.  And 99% of the time they do.  It usually confuses them a bit at first, but they adjust.

Obviously most guys aren’t going to have a family where the guys still look 12 well into their 40s.  That’s not exactly a common thing.  Neither is being on T for a decade without passing 100% though.  Most of you will be read as a guy after a few years on T.  For those of us who don’t, there are ways of managing.  It just takes trial and error and a ton of patience.  More patience than the guys who pass after two months can appreciate.  It’s not easy and it’s not particularly fun, but our options are either adjust or be miserable.  Personally, I try to avoid misery if I can.

An Ode to Black

Summer seems like an odd time to remember a love of black, but hear me out.

Black is slimming.  Which is not important to everyone, but think for a moment about two of the biggest issues trans guys have: breasts and hips.  Even a simple black t-shirt will mask breasts and hips better than a t-shirt of another colour.  A black vest/waistcoat is even better.

Black is lengthening.  This is actually true of any monochrome ensemble, but it works best with black.  Put on a button front shirt, a black vest, and black trousers.  You will look slimmer, taller, and less curvy.  Try the same thing with a black t-shirt and black trousers.  It won’t remove as much of the curve (vests really are amazing for that), but the rest will still apply.

Black is versatile.  It can be both formal and casual depending on what you’re wearing and how you accessorise it.  Even a button front shirt, vest, and trousers can be dressed up or down.  (I had to wear this basically every day for years, trust me.  You can do a lot with accessories.)

Black can be cool in summer if you pick the right fabrics.  100% natural fibres are your friend.  Personally, I still won’t wear all black in summer unless forced because I think it looks stifling.  I’ve had to before though and sticking with cottons and linens makes it bearable even in 100+ degrees (F) with humidity.  Avoid poly blends like the plague because they don’t breathe and make life hell.  If you can find black on black seersucker snatch it up.  You’d be amazed at how cooling black is when it’s black seersucker.

Basically black is awesome.  Fitted black is a trans guy’s dream.  A well-fitting, all black outfit is flattering on damned near everyone.  The only times I’d say to avoid it are weddings (sends a message of disapproval) and conservative job interviews (I’d add a subtle pinstripe and white shirt to soften the look up a bit).  Maybe the beach, but even there you could get away with black board shorts and a fitted black t-shirt.

What kind of man do you want to be: a guide for trans men

One of the advantages we, as trans men, have is the opportunity to almost completely remake ourselves.  No one is too surprised if we undergo a few personality shifts as we come out and transition and they’re not likely to say much unless those shifts are negative.  It’s a great time to experiment and figure out not only who you are, but who you want to grow into.

I didn’t take advantage of this opportunity.  It’s the kind of thing you have to be in the right mental place to do and not knowing where your next meal is coming from is not conducive to that place.  Lucky for me, this isn’t something that it’s ever too late to think about.  It’s like having sex: the right time is when you’re ready.

How does one go about becoming the man they want to be?  I’m not sure anyone has an answer to that.  I do know what I did (and am still doing, being the person you want to be is a lifelong process), but that may not be the process for you.  Like everything on here from wardrobe to T effects, take it as a jumping off point and customise until you get what works.

  1. What are your values?  In order to know who you want to be you have to know what you value.  I am a major fanboy geek and always have been so for me this was easiest when I thought of it as belonging to a particular Hogwarts House or Faerie Court (yes, I’m that kind of geek).  I like logic and reason and restraint and originality and curiosity and self discipline and compassion and ambition and thoughtful loyalty.  I like people who know what they want and will do almost anything to get it, but I don’t like people who wilfully hurt others for no reason other than that they can.  I like people who can argue for things they disagree with because they understand the reasoning even if they think it’s flawed.  I like people who are curious about the world around them.  I believe morality and ethics are most often grey areas with no clear right or wrong.  I believe there is a time for friendship and a time for competition.  I believe that winning by cheating isn’t winning at all.  I believe that taking advantage of loopholes in rules isn’t cheating, it’s being intelligent.  I believe that some things can only be obtained by hard work while others require natural talent.  All of these things shape who I am and want to be.
  2. Do you live up to your values?  Not everyone does.  Everyone slips up from time to time.  I place a very high value on self-discipline, but I am honestly complete crap at it myself.  I admire hard work, but I get frustrated more easily than most anyone I know.  Make a list of the areas you are managing and those you need to work on.  Then pick one area each month or quarter or year to put a conscious effort into.  At the moment I’m trying to work on my self-discipline.  This is an ongoing project for me.  The ADHD means that it’s harder than it is for the average person and I’ve had to learn to be a bit easier on myself when I screw up.  I know that I can do it though because I was incredibly good at it when I was in a highly structured environment as a teenager.  So I work at it.  And work at it.  And work at it.  And slowly I’m improving.
  3. What image do you want to present to the world?  Anyone who says appearance doesn’t matter is either naive or lying.  Appearance doesn’t matter in terms of your value as a person.  It certainly makes a difference in the way the world treats you.  If you dress like a dudebro people will assume you are a dudebro.  Maybe that’s not fair, but it’s still reality.Who do you want the world to see when they look at you?  Even if you can’t present that way yet, it’s a good thing to know.  Try to picture it in your head so you know what you’re working toward.
  4. Is your desired image realistic?  This is important.  If I had my choice I’d present as a 5’10”, gorgeously toned, effeminate-leaning-dapper man with perfect hair, striking eyes, and a larger than average cock.  I’d be James Bond’s gay cousin.  (Ideally Pierce Brosnan Bond, definitely not Daniel Craig Bond.)  I am 5’0″, have almost no ability to build muscle mass, and hair that has to be forced into submission.  (You can guess how the cock issue is going.)  My ideal image is not going to happen unless someone invents body swapping technology.What I can do is go for the effeminate-leaning-dapper part.  I can cultivate the confidence and grace that I admire.  I can work toward particular qualities rather than physical attributes.  (And I can spend three hours beating my hair into submission every morning.)
  5. What might need to change in order to meet your desired image?  I am going to be 100% honest here: I am not remotely like the moderately effeminate, dapper gentleman I would ideally like to be.  I am klutzy.  I am awkward.  I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth.  I could use some work on the “calm and collected” thing.  These are not things that necessarily need to change.  They don’t hurt me.  I could accept them and move on.  I just don’t want to.  Much like how I don’t feel comfortable with breasts, I don’t feel like certain aspects of myself are me.  Those parts I work on changing.  I take ballet, I consciously correct my posture, I try to think before I speak (that one’s hardest).  Like with the self-discipline, slowly these things are changing.
  6. What parts don’t fit your desired image, but you like them anyway?  This is not about changing who you are.  It’s about learning how to make who you are show through to other people.  It’s about consciously being who you are instead of subconsciously being someone else because of your socialisation and what’s easy.  I am kind of a sarcastic ass.  I’m ok with that.  I will never be the kind of person who is considered “nice”.  I am cynical and often derisive and I don’t have patience for stupidity.  Those things don’t fit with the “dapper gay gentleman” image and I am not remotely willing to change them.  They’re a core part of who I am right along with being attracted to men.  I am willing to learn to suppress those things when necessary to get what I want, but that’s as far as I’ll go.  My friends and family will always have to accept my less than nice side.
  7. How much effort are you willing/able to put in?  Not everyone has the same emotional, physical, or financial resources to do everything they’d like.  Not everyone wants to put in all the resources they can.  If I was rich I’d hire myself a team of tutors and trainers and stylists and wardrobe consultants and tailors and personal assistants so I didn’t have to think of all the details myself.  I am not rich.  Wish I was, but I most definitely am not.  I also have depression and ADHD and a few chronic illnesses that mean I don’t always have the energy to do more than get out of bed and take care of my dogs.  On those days I have to simultaneously try to remember that the phase will pass, avoid beating myself up, and attempt to do at least one thing more than I think I’m capable of.  Managing to wash my hair is a big deal.  You have to decide how much you can put in, sometimes on a daily basis.  Maybe that means learning to stand up straight and look people in the eye, maybe it means buying a brand new wardrobe and taking classes at night for a new degree.  It depends on your resources and desires.
  8. Do you have a way of keeping track of progress?  If you don’t try to keep track there’s a better than even chance that you won’t notice change.  It’s like with T where the changes are small enough and slow enough that you don’t tend to realise how much is different until you see someone after time apart or you look at old pictures.  I keep a journal.  It’s not much, just random things I write down throughout the day, but I can look back and see that a month ago I didn’t mark a single thing off my ‘to do’ list while now I’m getting through at least half.  Part of that is getting better at putting down things that need to get done and avoiding things that I know aren’t likely to happen and part of it is a slow improvement in self discipline.  The actual journal parts show that I’ve become much better at articulating what might have triggered a depressive episode and help provide a few clues as to things I should avoid.  (Watching Criminal Minds alone is a sure way to give me nightmares.)
  9. Is it time to re-evaluate?  Once you’ve started this should be asked periodically.  Maybe once a month, maybe once a year, whatever works for you.  This is particularly true if you’re also early in transition or a teen to young adult.  (Not because you’re flaky or anything, adolescence and young adulthood are just natural times of personal growth and experimentation.  You’re most likely going to be a different person at 40 than you were at 22.)Transition is an awkward time for most people.  If you look around at early transition guys you’ll notice that we seem to revert back to adolescence even if we’re well past it.  It’s not surprising when you think about it, we’re learning to be men as much as a thirteen year old is.  It just means that we tend to do a lot of exploring.  Things we think fit us when we first transition might not six months down the line.  After being read as male regularly for a few years we tend to settle down.  If you’re in a space where you’re testing things out it’s a good idea to check in once and a while and make sure that the testing is working for you.  I know that for me the early months of transition meant a lot of tossing out traditional trans concepts and trying to create my own.  Later on I had to work at removing all of the misogynistic attitudes I’d picked up early in transition (I’m still working on that one).  More recently I realised that trying to be polite and nice all of the time was making me nearly as uncomfortable as being a girl did.  As you try things out you’ll find that some work and some don’t.  Don’t be afraid to toss out the things that don’t work.
  10. Are you done?  I don’t actually think a person can ever really be done with this because no one will ever be perfect, but I needed a tenth point or it was going to drive me mad.  In any event, if you reach a point where you’re happy with who you are and don’t think you need or want to change anything else then stay there.  Check in once and a while to make sure you’re living up to your values and enjoy the person you are.

Words and Identity

March is kind of an interesting time for me, transition history wise.  It’s the month I got my legal name change (both times), the month I started T, the month I switched to injections, and the month I brought up my gender issues to my therapist.  Because of that I end up thinking about transition this time of year even though I’ve hit a point where it’s mostly not a day to day issue.

At the moment that means thinking about an exercise my therapist had me do when I first started looking at transitioning.  She had me write down every ‘female-gendered’ term I could think of and then whether or not I identified with it.  A fairly easy sounding task, but surprisingly difficult when you’re still a bit confused and unsure of yourself.

Looking back, not too much has changed.  It is interesting, though, which words caused a larger response.  Girl wasn’t a word I could place either way.  Still don’t, really.  I just don’t care.  Woman was a definite “no way” and now is more of an “eh, whatever”.  Tomboy I detested and realised I didn’t identify with at all even though that’s what I’d resigned myself to years earlier.  Wife will likely never be a word I’m comfortable with.  Mija and mijita to this day cause larger dysphoria issues than anything else.  I have more problems being called that than I do with not having a penis most days.  Ma’am I hated then, but now has lost most all meaning.  Miss I cannot stand, but it has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with it not being a word I’m accustomed to being used for anyone over twelve at the absolute oldest.  Lady I didn’t identify with then and identify with even less now.  Princess I think I will always hate.  Diva I considered too feminine then, but now I take a certain amount of pride in it.  Mother did and still does send “DO NOT WANT!” shivers down my spine.  (Interestingly, I can’t identify with Father either, though it at least comes closer.)  Mum/Mummy I surprisingly don’t have too much of an issue with other than thinking it’d be a bit weird, but Mom/Mommy and Dad/Daddy make me want to run away screaming.  Daughter didn’t bother me then, but does now.  (I’m not too comfortable with Son either.)  Girlfriend has never been a word I particularly wanted associated with me.  Aunt made me uncomfortable then, but now doesn’t cause much of a response outside of “WTF”.  Sister I was 100% ok with then while now it feels…wrong.

Most of the changes I can attribute to simply becoming more secure in my identity.  I still get misread about a quarter of the time and likely will for the foreseeable future.  The men in my family simply don’t have very masculine features, I’ve gotten used to it.  I had to learn to deal with being called “ma’am”, otherwise I’d spend a good portion of my life being angry at the world.

Other ones shifted in the opposite direction for much the same reason.  I spent my entire life before transition with my main identity being “big sister”.  I come from a large family and because my parents both worked long hours to ensure we lived in a neighbourhood with good schools (mostly for my benefit) I did a significant portion of the child rearing.  Every time I was praised or punished by my parents some variation of “setting a good example” was mixed in.  It wasn’t a gendered term to me when I was first coming out, just something I was.  Now that I’m removed from that setting I have a much harder time with it.

I’m curious to know how much these will change as more time passes.  I don’t know, for instance, how much of my objection to the parental terms is gender and how much is simply not having much of a desire to be a parent.  I don’t really feel comfortable with any of them so I suspect it’s more to do with the role than the gender.

Forum Down

The forum got hacked and was sending out mass emails that caused the entire site to get suspended.  I have removed the forum for the time being.  It may go back up in the future, but at the moment I can’t seem to remember to check it for spam regularly so it clearly was not of much use.

I’ve also updated the wordpress installation.  As you can see, that’s messed up the formatting of a few posts.  I’m hoping to get to most of them tonight, but it may take a day or two to get everything back in order.

I would like to thank whoever it was that messaged me to tell me the site was down.  In the future, if something like that happens the best way to contact me is through an ask at the notaiden.tumblr.com account.  I can also be emailed at notaiden@gmail.com.

FAQ: Gay Men and Gay FtMs Redux

Alright, this post is one of the most popular pages on here, but it’s a bit outdated so I’ve decided to write a new one. Let’s start with the basics: what is a gay FtM? In this case I’m using it to mean trans men (however you want to define that) who are attracted to men, including cis men. There are plenty of trans men who are attracted to other trans men without being attracted to cis men, but this isn’t going to focus on them. For many of us the bigger question is whether or not a cis guy will ever be willing to date/sleep with us. The answer is…it’s complicated. It depends on a variety of factors that I’m going to try to cover here. This is all based on my own experiences in various cities and countries at different stages of transition. Like everything on this site, your experiences may be different. Yay for diversity.

  1. Perceived gender. The ‘perceived’ part of this is important. I know, you’re a guy.  That’s great.  That doesn’t matter if no one else can see it.  If you go to a gay club or group or event and all anyone sees is a straight woman or lesbian you’re not going to have much luck.  Why?  Gay men are (get this) attracted to men.  If they don’t know you’re a man they’re probably not going to be attracted to you.  Are there exceptions to this?  Yeah, of course.  I know I dated gay cis guys before coming out, some of whom knew I was a girl and others who didn’t, but that’s fairly uncommon.  It also tends to cause issues as the guys question their sexuality.  So if you’re no-ho or pre-T or early-T or whatever don’t expect to pull at a night club.  Coming out to a group of guys and then eventually dating one of them?  Bit more likely.  The random, anonymous sex bit is harder to do when not passing though.
  2. Perceived gender expression.  Again, ‘perceived’ is important.  If you’re like most trans guys chances are you’ve vastly overestimated how effeminate you are.  Here’s a hint: if you prefer a lumberjack look most guys will consider you butch.  They don’t know about your My Little Pony collection or ballet training.  Even if they did, they may not consider that enough to override the flannel and cargo jeans.  Consider it a bonus, effeminate guys of any orientation or genital configuration tend to have a harder time finding dates/sex.  Sissyphobia is still alive and well in the world, including the gay community.  Biggest difference between you and a cis guy here is that you’ll probably get at least one variation on “why didn’t you just stay a girl?”  Yes, it sucks.  No, chances are you won’t be alone forever.  It just makes everything a little more difficult.
  3. Age.  The world has changed a lot in recent years.  There’s more knowledge of trans guys, including gay ones, than ever before.  We’ve been on the news, in TV shows, and in gay men’s publications.  Sometimes this is useful, it means we have less educating to do.  It can also be a problem when guys think they know everything already.  I’ve found the younger a guy is the more likely he is to be open to the idea of dating/sleeping with a trans guy.  It’s not a 100% thing, but in general younger guys don’t have all the “oh crap, they’re trying to make me straight” hangups older guys do (for good reason) and tend to know at least enough to not think you’re a drag king or something.  That doesn’t mean go for 18 year olds if you’re 40 or something (that tends to not go well regardless of genitalia), but keep it in mind when deciding how to go about coming out.
  4. Subcommunity.  I will never understand why this is, but bears and leather daddies have always been the nicest, most accepting guys I meet.  If I was into them I’d totally be having more sex right now.  If gay trans guys blogging about their sexual experiences are any indication, they’re also pretty open to trans guys in their community.  I wouldn’t know, it’s not my thing.  Go you if it’s yours though.
  5. Preferred ‘type’.  This goes in combination with your own perceived gender expression.  Guys who are perceived as neutral or masculine tend to be able to go for anyone they want.  Guys who are perceived as effeminate get strange looks when we’re attracted to other effeminate guys (exception being hipster effeminate).  It’s stupid and heterocentric, but that’s the way things are for now.  It is entirely possible to be an effeminate guy who is into other effeminate guys and still find sex/dates, it’s just another thing that’s a bit more difficult to navigate.  It also seems to be getting easier as time goes on which is nice.  Just be prepared for straight people constantly asking “so who’s the girl?”
  6. Sexual preferences.  This is in combination with all of the above.  Guy who’s read as a feminine straight girl and is into effeminate guys and really wants front hole sex is going to have more trouble than a masculine, passing guy into neutral guys who hates anyone going near his vagina.  In my experience if you’re effeminate the assumption is you like stuff up your ass so if you prefer strapping one on you’re going to have to say that.  Only not in those words, they’re likely to make people think “lesbian”.  Which brings in the next factor.
  7. Language and how you try to pull.  Guys, this isn’t straight girl flirting.  Being coy is more likely to turn other guys off than get you laid.  Spend a few weeks just watching gay guys interact without trying to get any.  Learn what the cues are and how they’re different from whatever messages you’ve internalised.  Then go practice without expecting to actually succeed.  Be prepared in case you do of course, but don’t be too disappointed if you don’t.  It takes a while, even for cis guys.  Unless you are exceptionally hot you’re going to have to work at it a bit.  Everyone does.  Only difference is that you also have to find a good way to come out.
  8. Confidence.  This is probably the one I’ve seen guys (cis and trans) have the most trouble with.  Remember what you learned in middle school?  That idea that no one wants to be with someone who doesn’t like themself?  It’s true.  If you walk around with body language that says “I’m so disgusting, no one will ever love me” then chances are no one will.  I know, that sounds harsh.  Unfortunately, the world at large is not going to accommodate your self-esteem issues.  If you don’t believe that you’re hot then fake it.  Stand in front of a mirror and pretend you are the hottest guy in the world.  You will feel like a moron at first because it’s just an awkward thing to do, but eventually you’ll get over it.  Keep doing that until it feels natural.  While you’re doing that work on your actual confidence. Find a good therapist, start volunteering, whatever works.  You will be amazed at how big a difference being comfortable with yourself makes.
  9. Sociability.  I want to make something clear: you do not have to be a club kid.  You don’t even really have to be all that outgoing.  If you don’t like partying or going out with large groups then don’t do it.  Honestly, why would you want to attract someone who’s into that if you don’t want to participate in it?  However, I keep seeing trans guys sitting on their computers all day and whining that they’re not getting laid.  Well no shit!  You’re not even trying.  Get up off your ass and go meet people.  Sign up for Match.com for all I care, just don’t expect the universe to send you a boyfriend via FedEx.

…I wanted to make this an even 10, but that’s all I can come up with right now.  Really guys, there are a wide variety of factors that play into whether or not you’ll get laid.  Some of them are related to being trans and some of them aren’t.  Just get out there and start trying.  Be prepared for disappointments, everyone experiences them.  Don’t let fear hold you back though.  Only person that’s hurting is yourself.

From the frequent search terms: Going stealth

“can transmen ever go stealth”

This is going to depend on your definition of ‘stealth’ and what it is you want to do to your body. Do you want to never have to tell anyone in your life that you’re trans, including sexual partners? If you want T, top, and lower surgery you can probably find some way of pulling that off. More if you want a meta. Want to do that, but don’t have any interest in lower surgery? That’s going to be pretty damned difficult unless you plan on never taking off your pants or ending up in a situation where you’re incapacitated (which you can’t really control).

I’m what I call ‘mostly stealth’ or ‘I just like my fucking privacy’.  My doctors know I’m trans. The guys I fuck know I’m trans. *Most of the people I knew before transitioning know I’m trans. When I was still moving around a ton there was always one non-fuck who knew and was given medical power of attorney in case of emergencies. Very occasionally one of the teenagers I mentor will be told I’m trans (almost always because they’re considering transition themselves). Oh, and my boss knows because she got a gender no-match letter. In total in my current city I think six people know I’m trans and I live with four of them. My boss, my boyfriends, one of the guys in my theatre group, and the two teenagers I have guardianship of. Expand that to the rest of the country and the number goes up a bit, but still hovers around 0.5-1% of the people I know and interact with regularly.

I haven’t had lower surgery. I’m not likely to have lower surgery in the near future unless the options change. I’m 5’0″ and maybe 110 pounds dripping wet. I’m a small, rather atypical guy with a gender presentation that’s been described as “Kurt Hummel in Harry Potter”. I’m also lucky enough to have photos of cousins who are just as small and atypical as I am so that people assume late bloomers run in my family. Which they do, my father was just as scrawny and androgynous looking as I am until he was in his early 30s and he was a Marine. Guys who don’t have my particular family background will likely have a harder time brushing things off as “oh, it’s just genetics”. Luckily, you’re also far more likely to start passing within a year or two on T. With my genetics I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

That’s actually where problems come in. Many trans guys find themselves accidentally becoming stealth. T changes can happen largely without us noticing, especially for the guys who start passing quickly. One day you wake up and realise that none of your new friends know you’re trans and have to decide whether you want to tell them or not. For some guys that’s great, they wanted to be stealth from the time they came out. For other guys it feels like ignoring a part of themselves. It’s not really something you can know for sure until it starts happening.

So can trans guys be stealth? Yeah, sure. The bigger question is, do you want to be?

*This is an odd quirk of my own history I didn’t discover until after I’d started this blog. For most people everyone you know before transitioning will know you’re trans.