Life of A Non-Standard Gay (trans)Guy
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I know, I’ve been awful about updating lately. Problem is, I have no idea what to post about. Being trans is even less a part of my life than it was back when I started the blog. I’ve done most of the 101 type stuff already so I’m a bit stuck on what to do next.
Since I’m not the one who actually reads this I figured I’d ask. Anything you guys want to hear about?
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I just got an inbox full of questions about being stealth and why and how that affects me so rather than respond to each of them individually (sorry guys, I don’t have quite that much free time) I figured I’d do a post.
First of all, it’s important to note that stealth is just as much of a spectrum as gender. On one end you have “everyone up to and including the cashier at McDonald’s knows I’m trans” and on the other you have “I don’t even tell my sexual partners”. In between there is a whole lot of grey area.
I’m about two ticks away from the far “don’t tell anyone” end of the spectrum. My sexual partners know (it’d be damned near impossible for them not to), as do my doctors, friends from my pre-transition days, and a few very close friends in each city I’ve lived in. One of the things about me is that I have a chronic illness so it’s important that at least one person nearby knows in case I end up in the hospital or something. I carry a card with me at all times stating both my trans status and every medical issue I have just in case I need emergency treatment. It’s a little annoying and could lead to outing if I’m not careful, but my health is more important to me than staying stealth.
That’s really what stealth is about, figuring out what’s important to you and adjusting your life to meet those priorities. For me it’s important to just be one of the guys. I don’t consider myself to have had a girlhood so much as a childhood and I seem to have missed every aspect of female socialisation I’ve heard talked about so I don’t think the trans part of me is all that big of a deal. It’s not even so much that I’m annoyed by people thinking of me as a girl as that I’m confused by it. I don’t get it. I think of my pre-coming out days and just see me, not a girl or a boy or anything other than a kid/teen who went to LGBT youth groups and loved biology and would not shut up if you got them near a stage. I don’t identify with the whole ‘sisterhood’ idea and I’m not sure anyone who grew up in my town could be said to have had a traditional upbringing so the ‘female to’ part of FtM isn’t really something I think about.
Which is why I’ve never had a problem staying stealth. I don’t feel stifled by it. I’ve never had a conversation where I’ve felt like I was hiding something. I’ve never had to stop myself from saying something that would out me. I talk about my childhood all the time (actually, I think people might be sick of hearing about it) without problems. I never did anything specifically for girls so I’ve never had to lie. Some of what I grew up with was a bit odd for a little boy, but in my town it wasn’t odd. For instance, I was a cheerleader when I was younger, but there were a good dozen or so boys on the squad so it never really occurred to me to hide it.
This is probably why I don’t consider stealth to be nearly as big of a deal as most guys who transitioned around the same age a me. I had a childhood experience that more closely resembles that of the kids socially transitioning around eight or nine now than that of other guys who transitioned at 20. I don’t really know why other than that I was raised in a unique area and was apparently a fairly androgynous kid, but that’s how it turned out. Stealth wasn’t even really a question when I was coming out. I knew I’d come out, transition, pass, and never look back. Nothing else made sense to me.
Now, that’s not to say I ever wanted to completely leave the trans community. I don’t particularly like most of it and I want to strangle about half the people at every group I go to, but from the second I realised there wasn’t much of anything for guys like me I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave entirely. I just don’t do activist work as a trans guy. I go to groups that aren’t in the city I live to make sure guys coming out know that there are options beyond genderqueer and masculine binary guy. I work with LGBT groups to make them more trans inclusive as an ally rather than a trans person. I do youth outreach and mentorships both as a gay man and as a gay trans man (that’s one other person I’m out to, the co-ordinator at the local BB/BS) depending on what’s needed. Most of the time I don’t have to be out, but occasionally there’ll be a kid who needs someone to talk to. I keep this blog.
It’s about finding a balance. For me that balance sways toward being more stealth. For other people it’ll go more toward being out. All options are just as valid and no one should be told otherwise. We’re different people with different needs. Nothing at all wrong with that.
Something I’ve been noticing as I make friends with younger guys: there’s a horrible trend of coming out, passing, and suddenly becoming the world’s biggest pain in the ass.
I’ve seen some sweet, polite, well mannered, privilege checking guys turn into people I never want to see, let alone be associated with. It’s more than a bit sickening. Particularly since I know you’re all capable of more.
This is everyone’s reality check. I know that passing means suddenly you’re allowed — and even expected — to buy into a ton of negative behaviours. I know that it can sometimes be tricky navigating what is and isn’t considered ‘normal’ for a guy. That doesn’t mean you should accept all of it.
Stop taking up two seats on the bus just because you can. If you can fit in one seat you should sit in one seat. It’s only polite. Stop reacting to everything with physical violence. Not only does it show a complete lack of brain power, it’s going to get you in some serious trouble if you mess with the wrong guy. Stop forgetting the table manners I know your parents taught you. No one wants to see your half-masticated food. It’s gross. Stop laughing when the guys around you tell a sexist/homophobic joke. I don’t care if it means you don’t fit in, you don’t need to be playing into oppression. You’re better than that. And for god’s sake, just because you can scratch yourself in public doesn’t mean you should. If your hand is down your pants I’m going to assume you’re playing with yourself and in most places that’s a crime.
I know, it’s awesome that you now have license to be a disgusting slob of a caveman. That doesn’t mean you should. For one thing, most people — man, woman, or otherwise — don’t want to date a caveman. For another, it’s going to create bad habits that are difficult to break when you need to act like a gentleman for something like a job interview. Think about it for a second. Do you want to be the tool on ‘Tool Academy’? I know I don’t. I laugh at those guys. I don’t know how the hell they’re still getting laid. So cut the crap and grow up.
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One day at a time. Some days are horrible. Some days are amazing. On the horrible days I remind myself that it’s only one day and there will be others that are better.
I also make sure to remind myself that *there is nothing wrong with being trans*. NOTHING. We cannot help how we were born. I don’t think I can stress that enough. People will tell us that we’re sick or deviant or evil. It is *not true*. We are human beings who happen to have an incongruence between our mental and physical selves. People who have a problem with that are the ones who need to change. Not us. We are just as deserving of love, respect, and all the good things in life as everyone else.
If anyone knows you’re trans and is supportive, talk to them. Let them help. Our friends are often far more willing to help than we think they will be. If no one knows, call an LGBT youth line. People talk about The Trevor Project in terms of suicide prevention all the time, but they don’t mention that staff members are also there to listen to anything teens need to talk about. Call them. If you can’t call they have an online chat for teens who are not suicidal, but may need to talk on Fridays. If you’re outside the US there are international resources too. I don’t know what they are, but I have non-US readers who can leave any help they might have in the comments.
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Thanks! That was rather the same problem I had when I was coming out; it’s a large part of why I keep the blog up even when I’m not really sure what to say.
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I honestly have no idea. I’ve had guys out me before because of their own political ideology and it’s awful. I’d probably deny it. I don’t like lying, but if I could get away with it I would. It’s more important to me to be seen as just another guy by my larger community than it is to be 100% honest.
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This is amusing to me because I actually have the *opposite* problem. I have problems dating bi/pan guys because I’m always worried they’ll see me as a girl or something ‘in between’.
So…I guess I don’t really have any advice for you. My issue with bi/pan guys has gotten better since I started passing better and became more comfortable with myself. That’s about it.
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I have. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m into guys, trans guys are guys, I’m good.
I *don’t*, however, top vagina. I’ve tried. It was really awkward and kind of terrifying.
I also haven’t dated anyone — trans or cis — who identified as anything other than male. So no genderqueer trans guys or trans as an identity trans guys. Not necessarily because it’s a deal breaker, but because I tend to not get along with those guys. We look at our gender and histories in such fundamentally different ways that there end up being fights. That’s fine for friends, but way too tiring for a relationship.
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Something not a lot of people know: I have a service dog. When I was 18 my depression was manifesting in dissociative episodes that were only made worse by medication. California law regarding assistance animals is amongst the most liberal in the country so I talked to my parents and my therapist and we decided a dog might not be a bad idea.
I love my service dog. She’s like an extension of me now, I can’t imagine going anywhere without her. However, having a dog while coming out made life rather more difficult.
First there was the practical side. I got kicked out when I came out to my parents. For a while I was homeless. My dissociative episodes had gone away when I came out to myself, but came back when I was homeless. Trying to find a shelter that will take in someone with a service dog is damned near impossible. The response was generally “well there’s an animal shelter over there.” Just in case anyone’s wondering, you have to train a service dog to stay home when they’re hitting retirement age. Simply ripping them apart from their person is a great way to traumatise them. That’s even assuming I could have survived without her which, at that point, wasn’t very likely. She was the only reason I hadn’t cracked completely.
The problems didn’t entirely stop even once we had a place to live. There are a few things you get used to having a service animal. You have to advocate for yourself to be allowed in stores, you have to explain to your doctor, in the case of psychiatric assistance animals you have to explain why you can’t just “buck up and deal with it”. You have to get used to people staring at you. People look at you when you have a service dog. They want to stop and pet the dog or ask you questions. Kids are drawn to you like magnets. All of that can pose a problem when you’re in the awkward, just starting out phases of transition.
There is no hiding if you are a trans person with a service dog. There is no melding into the background and hoping people won’t notice you. They will and they will probably come up and talk. If you are visibly gender variant and considering a service dog you need to understand this. All service dog handlers are warned about unwanted interaction with people, but it’s especially true of people who look ‘different’ in any way.
Now, the upside to this is that most people don’t want to talk to you, they want to pet the dog. If you have a dog who can handle that (mine can, but she’s been specifically trained for it) it’s not so bad. You have to allocate an extra half hour to go anywhere because you’ll be stopped by 15 kids on the way, but it’s not horrible. If your dog is the type who gets distracted from work when pet (or comes from a training organisation that discourages petting) you’ll have to get used to saying a firm ‘no’. A very firm no. For some reason people can’t seem to get that word through their heads unless it’s accompanied by “fuck off”.
You also have to learn to deal with doctors. When doing intake to start T I had to answer a bunch of questions to make sure I was capable of giving informed consent. Let me tell you, telling the intake coordinator that you have a service dog due to dissociative episodes from depression does not make you look particularly sane. I can’t really blame them, but it was still frustrating to have to explain myself. It doesn’t stop either, every time I see a new doctor I have to convince them that I’m rational enough to stay on T. If I just tell them the dog’s for my epilepsy (which she’s also been trained for now) it’s a bit better, but then they get all worked up about the possible physical effects. It’s a bit of a no-win situation, you just have to learn to fight with them.
There are a few cool things about having a service dog. She is great at helping me make friends. If you’re in a new group of people having a service dog is an instant ice breaker. Sometimes the response isn’t entirely positive, but there’s always someone who wants to come up, talk, and pet the dog.
She’s also pretty good at warding off violence. Something about that bright service dog vest just screams “too pathetic to kill” to would-be bashers. I’ve been bashed with her with me before (retraining after that is hell), but it’s far less common.
I do recommend that you train your dog to go into an instant sit-stay when someone else has their leash. Part of this is in case you ever need emergency medical treatment, but it’s also because a dog who bites even in defense of you is likely to be considered unfit for work. Some dogs have been put down for defending their handlers. That’s not even getting into the PETA wankers who think it’s cool to try “liberating” service dogs. I’ve taught mine an emergency command that essentially means “do not move unless the ground opens up beneath you” for situations like that.
There is a ton to think about if you’re considering a service dog, but even more if you’re trans — particularly early transition trans. Know that while a dog will likely make parts of your life easier, they will also make parts harder. Transition tends to be one of those. It’s not impossible, not by any means, but it’s more of a challenge. If you don’t want extra attention while you’re in the ‘in between’ phase a dog is probably not the best idea. If you are at all worried about being kicked out wait to get the dog. I am not kidding. As much as my dog helped me get through that, it wasn’t fair to her. Your dog relies on you for virtually everything, it’s like having a really helpful three year old. Make sure you take both of your needs into account before you decide.
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