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I think you were the one who was writing about how FTMs always tend to overestimate how feminine they come off — I know I certainly did. When I was first starting to pass consistently, I thought it had to be GLARINGLY obvious that I’d been socialized as female, or if not that, then that I was queer as a $3 bill, but for the most part people don’t even guess that I’m gay. o_O

I transitioned in Japan, and I would find that I was comfortable talking with women, American and Japanese both, because my mannerisms are certainly not feminine and the difference between our presentations seemed fitting, and that I was fine with Japanese men, because if I didn’t act like them, well — I was American, after all. But when it came to other English-speaking men, I was hellaciously uncomfortable because SURELY THEY COULD TELL that I wasn’t one of them, right?

I think I am still *off* in my presentation just a touch, and people pick up on that after a while, but not in a way that ticks off the checkboxes for effeminacy, so I’m not read as gay, just eccentric.

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Ten years later when I figured out I was trans, I never went through the phase of trying on different names to see which one fit — I was Gabriel from the start and there was never a question of being anything else.

I do get mildly self-conscious about the name sometimes, because I’m aware that trannies have an embarrassing tendency to go for the ~cool~ names and “Gabriel” flirts with being too cool for it’s own good. But, well, I didn’t choose it entirely on my own — as I tell people, My name is Gabriel, my brother is Daniel, and my parents are atheists. Trufax.

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Initially there was the frustration of not-passing and not being able to pull in nightclubs, and meeting all these hot gay guys who didn’t see me as male and weren’t interested. Then passing, but feeling like an imposter when I tried to pull because I knew I had the “wrong” equipment and I felt like I was tricking them — which, yeah, will put your self-confidence in the can. Then successfully pulling, but being far too self-conscious and unhappy with my body to enjoy sex at all, even when I was with partners who weren’t as bothered by it as I was.

That finally changed when I started dating a bisexual guy that I had SPECTACULAR chemistry with, who was patient with my body issues but made it perfectly clear that all the hold-up was on my end, that HE thought I was smoking hot in every way and he wanted to fuck me through the goddamned mattress. It was with him that I finally learned to *believe* it when partners said they found me attractive, instead of being convinced that they were just saying that to make me feel better.

(Pro-tip, guys: if your partners tell you you’re hot, take it at face value. You gain absolutely nothing — and stand to sour everything — by second-guessing them.)

We broke up for reasons unrelated to the trans thing, but that relationship was still a watershed in my transition because I came out of it with a newfound sense of self-worth. I was a man that other men found desirable (wanted to fuck through the mattress, in fact ), there were people out there who didn’t care about the trans thing, and I would do alright for myself.

That was a couple years ago and I haven’t seriously dated anyone since, but I’ve come to realize that it’s more to do with me than with my junk. I’m simply not interested in most people; I don’t fall in love often or easily, and there’s been no one who moved me as much as that guy did. That said, I also haven’t had any shortage of guys (gay, bi, and occasionally straight) who are happy to have sex with me, “wrong” equipment and all, and would date me if I were interested.

Which feels uncomfortably like bragging, but the takeaway from this is that ultimately, some people are good at dating, good at finding relationships, and some of us are not. Certainly, the trans thing can throw a wrench in the works, but people who are good at dating always seem to get around that with relative ease (that was a frustration when I had just started T, that I couldn’t hook up with anyone and I knew that other FTMs had done more with less) and people who aren’t good at dating (represent!) are being held up by their disinclination for it, not their equipment.

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And that’s really what this comes down to: whether or not people are right when they assume you have a penis. Let’s not bullshit here, it has nothing to do with your internal identity. It has nothing to do with whether they call you ‘he’ or ‘she’ or think of you as a man or a woman. If you’re read as male and you identify as male the only question is whether or not you have the parts commonly associated with being male. Which is absolutely no one’s business but your own and those you choose to share it with.

The truth is that you’re a guy. You’re not lying to anyone by letting them think that. It’s true. Think about the people you know. For all you know they could all (or almost all) be trans. If you’ve not seen what they have in their pants (or even have without asking about possible surgeries) then you know exactly as much about their gender as they do about yours. That’s not lying. People who think so clearly believe that we really do think with our genitalia.

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I’m pretty much the only gay ftm I know, and I REALLY don’t fit in with the trans community in my city, so it is really nice to know there are others like me out there.

The whole stealth question is something I’ve been pondering lately. I’m planning on moving for school next fall and it will be the first time I’ll really have the option of being stealth. I’ve passed for 4 or so years now and I TRY to be as stealth as possible, but the trouble with living in the same place as before transition, and having mostly gossipy queens for friends is that new people always seem to find out.

Part of me is excited at the prospect of being able to be stealth, but part of me feels, I don’t know, guilty? A lot of the trans people I know have the stance that if you are not openly trans, that means you are self-loathing and hurting the “cause”. And at times, when I have complained to my cis friends about being outed as trans their attitude is “What can you expect? People will find out “the truth” about you eventually.”

I don’t know what to think sometimes? Does being trans mean that I have a responsibility to be an educator about trans issues to the world at large for my whole life? If I don’t tell people that I’m trans, does that make me a liar who is trying to deceive everyone by hiding “the truth” about myself?

lol, sorry for long-winded ranting

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Girl used to feel fine and now catches in my throat. Woman? Yuck.

“Mom” I’m iffy on … I’d rather be “Dad”.

“Lady” – I am ok with this as long as I’m the one saying it and I’m using it as a joke

“Princess” – barf.

I’m pre-everything an closeted so this is a daily struggle at the moment

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