I probably should put up a post at some point about how I considered de-transitioning a year or so into starting T, but I can’t find the words. Instead you guys are going to get a post about the things that did and didn’t happen when I stopped T during this period.
It was…about six months off. Not a huge amount of time, but pretty long considering I’d only been on a year-ish. Hudson’s has a T guide that lists what should happen if you stop treatment. I’ve found that it is almost entirely wrong compared to what I experienced.
My voice did not stay at the same pitch. In fact, it still starts creeping up into the higher registers if I’m late with my shot. Now, it never went back to my old soprano either, but there was a decent octave, maybe octave and a half in there that was lost.
My facial hair did disappear. Rather, it disappeared in terms of visual sense. The hair was there (what little of it I had), but it was no longer dark or rough. Instead I’d get long, soft, blond hairs that were different from the normal peach fuzz women and children have, but not enough to really be considered facial hair. The growth rate also slowed to where I shaved maybe once a month rather than a few times a week.
Clitoral growth was depressing as fuck. I cannot even begin to explain the intense amounts of…almost shame that developed as the effects of T wore off. Flaccid state stays the same, my ass. The thing shrunk to the point where I almost couldn’t find it! This was actually one of the bigger reasons I went back on T, I’m pretty well hung for a trans guy and my ego just couldn’t take the sudden disappearance.
My muscle and fat development shifted about back to pre-T levels which is expected. I will say that being slim doesn’t help make the changes any less obvious, at least not to those of us who have to deal with them. The ass I didn’t mind so much, I have a good ass off T, but the hip and breast development was enough to freak me out.
I haven’t lost too much hair on T, men in my family have thick hair, but what I did lose started growing back in around month four. Not a ton and not enough that I think it’d matter if you were going bald or something, but enough to switch my hair pattern back to female.
Skin, red blood cell count, and body scent all went back to female. The lack of acne was nice, but smelling…girly was unpleasant. Apparently I also tasted different. Wouldn’t know that one from experience.
I know that we talk about T being this life long, permanent change. For most guys it is. However, I think it’s also important to talk about what happens if you don’t like the effects. For a while in there I was terrified of becoming some sort of freak show and everyone saying I’d never be the same again didn’t help. Turns out a ton depends on how long you were on T when you stop. Stop after a few months and the permanent changes will be minimal, stop after several years and you’ll likely have more things to take care of if you want to be seen as a woman again. Either way, it’s not the one-way street we’ve all been told. At least, not physically.
I find most of what is written of ftm guides to be completely wrong.
I’ve found it to be a 50/50 toss-up. People tend to forget that we’re all different, what works for one guy may be all wrong for another.
When I first started thinking about taking T, someone told me to think about each injection as another decision to keep taking it. By realizing that I could just “try” it for a little while made the decision to start feel less all or nothing.
PS – I hated going off T. I’ve had to do it several times for other reasons and I hated the way it made my whole body feel female again, despite the permanent changes that had occurred. One time, I was off it for about six months – by then, I had soft skin, a different smell, different body shape, less muscle and less energy. The worst though was the monthly cycle came back – that was by far the most difficult part of going off T for awhile. It really fucked with my head.
That’s how I thought about my injections at first too. Still do, actually. I’ve had to stop a few times for medical/financial reasons, but I’ve only done it once for personal reasons. That one time was enough to show me that I really prefer being on T. Even beyond the trans reasons, I’m almost completely non-functional when my main hormone is estrogen. I’ve decided my body likes to rebel against it or something.
How long were you on T when you got your cycle back?
Eight years, I think.
jeepers. that long–
could you write a little more about the breast developement on and off T, NA? I get that you didn’t have mastectomy at that point. Did the breast shrink and grow again?
I had virtually no chest to speak of even pre-T, think around AA cup. On T I shrunk down even more, to the point where even though I’ve saved up for top I’m debating the possibility of just building up better pecs to mask them and spending the money on new clothes instead.
When I went off T it was almost like I went through estrogen-puberty all over again. My chest got sore and sensitive and I went from only needing a binder to smooth things down a bit to actually having to be compressed. I never got particularly large, somewhere between an A and B cup at most, but it was enough to cause some serious dysphoria issues. On T I’m fairly comfortable being topless at home because they shrink down so much, but when I went off I reverted to needing a shirt on any time I wasn’t in the shower. Really screwed with my sex life too, I normally love nipple sensation.
My first thought was wow, that sucks that they grew when you stopped T. My second thought, was “lucky bitch!”, in reference to your chest size.
Hahaha, that’s most guys’ reaction. To be entirely honest, I’m not sure how it happened. I’m full-blood Latino, we normally get chest and booty. My mom, aunts, grandmothers, and sisters are all curvy. I have no idea where my genes came from.
The trans gods were on your side, well, at least a little bit. Being a curvy trans guy sucks ass. (I apparently have a filthy mouth today).
a heartfelt “YO” from another curvy guy
Thank you very much for posting this.
Very interesting read. I’ve been off T for one year now and had far less drastic changes than you had, but I will get back soon.
Now I’m looking forward to reading your post about the reason why you went off.