Have you dated an FtM? Would you?

I have. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m into guys, trans guys are guys, I’m good.

I *don’t*, however, top vagina. I’ve tried. It was really awkward and kind of terrifying.

I also haven’t dated anyone — trans or cis — who identified as anything other than male. So no genderqueer trans guys or trans as an identity trans guys. Not necessarily because it’s a deal breaker, but because I tend to not get along with those guys. We look at our gender and histories in such fundamentally different ways that there end up being fights. That’s fine for friends, but way too tiring for a relationship.

Ask me anything

Hrm.  Reading again that second part makes a bit less sense.  I haven’t dated anyone who identifies as anything other than male regardless of genital configuration is probably a better phrasing.

20 Replies to “Have you dated an FtM? Would you?”

  1. I second everything you wrote. Maybe I should add that I don’t react to trans guys who don’t do T. There needs to be some physical maleness to get me off.

    • I’ve dated a couple of pre-T trans guys. We tend to go for slightly different groups of guys though. Not to mention the age gap that means guys just a few years younger than me may or may not look like they’ve finished puberty (see: Chris Colfer until recently).

  2. I tried having sex a trans man once, but his lack of hair and muscles (he was pre-t) did not turn me on. That said, I don’t really care if the guy is cis or trans, as long as he’s a muscular hairy top.

    • Haha, yeah, that’s one of the things that doesn’t bug me. I tend to prefer my guys on the hairless and dancer-built side anyway so the biggest differences between T and no T are taste, smell, and perception.

      • Yeah, I think if I were to define my preference even further, it would include all of the secondary sexual characteristics of men, like smell, hair, taste, muscle build, and fat distribution – but hair and muscles are my ultimate dealbreakers. I’m really not into guys with small penises either – so I guess a trans man (who fits all of the other criteria) who uses silicon penises would be good cause I could choose the size. He would definitely have to be on T for several years for me to be interested though.

        • This is one of those very few times when being a trans top is useful. As much as I like dick (and I really like dick), my partner’s isn’t as important to our sex life as it would be if I was a bottom.

          • Lol. I would miss it too for more than just topping/bottoming reasons. I just like them. They’re fun to play with.

            The only problem I could foresee with a trans man top is not having him get off while he’s getting me off. It is definitely possible to get off at the same time, but every trans guy is different – it would be a deal breaker if he weren’t enjoying himself thoroughly while topping me.

          • I like them, but not enough to rule out a trans guy. Of course, I also have never been in a closed relationship with only another trans guy. It could well be different if I don’t have the option of penis. I mean, I rather do enjoy giving blow jobs.

            As for the getting off…yeah, that’s an issue. I don’t get off while topping. I enjoy it, definitely, but there’s not enough stimulation to physically get me off. It’s more of a…psychological orgasm, I guess. Hard to explain.

    • Smell is a big one for me too. That and taste. They’re not dealbreakers, but they definitely impact my attraction levels.

      There’s the issue of being read as straight too, but I tend to read gay enough to make any trans guy I’m dating read as male regardless of their normal passing ability. It’s kind of weird.

      • Taste is important too. I think smell and taste are deal breakers for me, I was pretty shocked how big the difference is between T and not-T. I don’t get how anyone can ignore that. Ignoring visual things like body form I find much easier. But sex without taste or smell??

        • For me it depends on the guy. Some guys are closer to cis-guys in terms of taste and smell without being on T than others are. Not always the guys you’d expect either.

          What *is* weird to me is blowing a trans guy who’s never had a blow job before. I swear to god, they taste like cherry. I thought it was just the one guy, then it happened another couple of times. I don’t get it.

  3. I couldn’t–just too awkward. I already have enough body-part issues of my own to circumnavigate. Dealing with someone else’s isn’t something I’m up for. That can be seen as selfish, definitely not PC, but at this point I do not give a damn. That and the butch or genderqueer, genderqueer or butch with little variation problem. Butch guys are just not my cup of tea, and I agree with you on the matter of genderqueer. And (because I’m defensive) yes I am an FtM, no I don’t pass very well these days.

    • I can get that. I actually thought I was 100% against the idea until I came out to a guy…as he was coming out to me. It wasn’t something I would’ve been able to even consider if I hadn’t already become more comfortable with myself and dating. Even now a lot depends on the guy. I tend to not do well with guys who have the same level of lower dysphoria as I do. Too much stress.

      And I completely get the ‘constantly butch or genderqueer’ issue. That’s part of why I didn’t think I’d ever date a trans guy, I’d never met any who I’d be interested in regardless of genitalia. Hell, I still haven’t met all that many.

  4. I am dating a pre-T boy, and despite the amount of stress that it comes with, I’m very happy with him. I prefer my partners to be on the leaner/smaller side, so the lack of muscles don’t bother me at all. I don’t like a whole bunch of facial hair (but I can’t wait for a bit of stubble >.> ), so that’s alright too. It will be different when the T starts making physical changes, but I’m sure it’ll be just fine. I’m more excited for him to start the treatment and feel better about his body than anything else.

  5. I’m a transsexual woman and I prefer to date transsexual men because they get the whole transsexual thing. It’s about compatibility for me. I’m looking but I think I’m going to have to wait until after graduate school so this means I’ll have to wait to find my soulmate after I graduate from library school.

    • *ugh* I hate writing comments at 2:47am, they usually have some sort of nonsensical sentence or two. What I meant was, given that there aren’t many romantic opportunities here in my local area (not to mention job opportunities for librarians), this means I’ll have to wait until I graduate library school in order to find my soulmate. ^_^;;

  6. I’d like to ask more about this particular comment:

    “I also haven’t dated anyone — trans or cis — who identified as anything other than male. So no genderqueer trans guys or trans as an identity trans guys. Not necessarily because it’s a deal breaker, but because I tend to not get along with those guys. We look at our gender and histories in such fundamentally different ways that there end up being fights. That’s fine for friends, but way too tiring for a relationship.”

    I’m wondering about your assertion that you as a fully male identified person could never really get on with someone who was trans-identified, or gender-queer identified. The assumption here seems to be that someone who was trans/genderqueer identified would not be able to cope with you being fully male identified and want to try and argue you into chainging your identity. I can imagine this being the case for people who see taking on a genderqueer/trans identity as a political act, and think that the only reason you’re not is because you fundimentally disagree with those particular politics.

    Personally, I wouldn’t say I *identify* as trans (simply because I find it a very strange thing to *identify* as anything), but I feel like a man and describe myself as a trans man because I feel like this honoures what I’ve been through and the life I’ve had that has made me the person I am today. This is a totally personal thing though. I have friends who would consider themselves to be men/women with a trans history, and as far as I know are mostly stealth in their everyday lives. I have never had an argument with someone like this, apart from a couple of times a long time ago where someone has told me that I’m “not really trans” because I’m not doing my utmost to hide it from people or describing it as “a birth defect”.

    I guess my point here is that I see no reason why someone who is binary identified and someone who is trans/genderqueer identified can’t get on or even have a romantic relationship, as long as there is respect on both sides and noone thinks their own way is “better” or is trying to bring the other person round to their own way of identifying.

    • This is where the difference between theory and practice becomes important. In *theory*, yes, I could date a guy who considers acknowledging their trans status an important part of their history. It’s entirely possible for us to disagree about our personal narratives while still being respectful.

      In practice…that has never happened. Part of this is because of the nature of my work and life. I’m fairly well known within my field and do quite a bit of mentor work with children and teens. There always comes a point where guys who consider being trans an important part of their identity/history insist that in order to be a good role model I should come out or that I’m somehow preventing kids from getting the support from me they would if I were open about my status. I 100% disagree with that idea. Because of my rather unusual upbringing I don’t consider being trans a particularly large part of who I am today and I think that the discomfort I’d exhibit if I was constantly having to deal with being The Trans Guy would negate any minor influence I might have on people within my field.

      That’s not even getting into the more “minor” issues like why having a trans identity is important or whether or not there are fundamental differences between trans men and cis men. There are many things I have no problem discussing with friends (or even fuck buddies), but become much more important when talking to a romantic partner. Too often disagreements on political issues within the trans community become entangled with how the relationship is viewed. For instance, if someone believes that trans men will always be different from cis men I will not be able to date them because I know that they don’t view me the same way they would a cis man. It all just gets far more complicated than I want to deal with when in a relationship.

      • Interesting… I do think that someone who tells you that you *should* be open about your status is a dick, telling anyone that they “should” do anything that relates to their personal life is unacceptable in my opinion. I may ask someone to explain their reasons for not doing something that seems an obvious thing to do to me (out of interest mainly), but I would never hassle someone. I really take issue with the whole “trans as political act” thing as it openes a whole can of worms and ignores the fact that people are complicated and have desires that can’t be explained in political terms.

        As for the idea of trans men always being different from cis men, for me personally realising that I was trans as a teenager and then working out what that ment was a massive experiance for me, it made me have to look at and question myself in ways that most people don’t untill they’re much older (if at all). So this is why, for me, being trans is an important part of my identity, because I would be the person I am today if I hadn’t had that experiance.

        I guess I just find the whole thing a bit confusing – not your reaction to it, but the fact that the guys you meet don’t have the insight to realise that just because something is true for them it doesn’t mean that it’s true for you as well, especially when your experiance has been so different from many other trans people’s. But then I guess this is something that humans are very good at, so I probably shouldn’t be suprised.

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