Category Archives: stealth

I’m back home (San Francisco) for a few weeks and it’s been bringing up a ton of memories (both good and bad).  One of those is of starting T.  Made me realise that I’m heading toward 10 years on T now and oh my god do I hate so many of you.

See, I am still hairless (don’t mind really), scrawny (mind a lot), high voiced (eh, whatever), “delicate” (fuck everyone), and otherwise feminine enough that I pass somewhere around 50% of the time in most areas.  Here I pass closer to 95% of the time, but it’s definitely an exception.

I also am only out to around 5 people where I live.  In the entire time since deciding to transition, I’ve had problems with questions/rumours about my being trans a grand total of three times.  Once because I made a bad call about a guy who ended up being an asshole.

I’ve been meaning to write a post on how I manage this almost since I started this blog, but I never got around to it.  I think I always told myself that at some point I’d start passing more and then I could write about it from a more detached perspective.  That doesn’t look to be happening so I’m doing it now.

Most of what helps me avoid having to out myself is probably not all that helpful to most other people.  I seem to have had a fairly unique childhood that ends up being closer to that of guys who came out as children/early teens than guys who came out around 18-22 like I did.  I’m going to list them anyway though in case they’re helpful to anyone else.

• I’m Latino.  The average male height in Mexico is 5’7″.  That makes me short even by those standards, but not as short as when compared to the US average of 5’10”.  (Some sources say Mexico’s average male height is 5’5″ which is closer to the average height of men in my family.)
• The men in my family are equally small.  This is one that will not apply to most guys who have issues passing.  I have old family pictures that show my uncles with no real body or facial hair.  When my cousin moved in with me it helped because he’s 18 now and just barely an inch or two taller than me.  People just assume my family has odd genetics (which we do) and move on.
• I had a very neutral childhood.  I’ve never been afraid of talking about my childhood or pulling out pictures of me as a kid because for where I grew up it wasn’t particularly girly.  One of my sisters sent me a box of childhood pictures she rescued from our parents and other than a handful (first communion, various weddings, quinceañera) they’re all boyish enough.  I was in middle school in the mid-90s, the boys’ and girls’ sections of clothing stores looked basically the same.  Bit more blue in the boys’ sections.
• I have no issues lying.  This seems to be a big one trans guys have problems with.  I don’t give a damn about lying to someone if they ask if I’m trans.  They are asking about my genitalia, I see no reason to act like the basic rules of polite society are still in play.
• I have friends who also have no issues lying. The people who I’m out to know that they are 100% expected to lie if someone asks them if I’m trans.  This is something I think is a basic requirement of an ally.  I do not care what your opinions on lying are, outing a trans person has serious consequences and cannot be taken back.  You shouldn’t do it if you aren’t willing to risk ruining someone’s entire life.
• I have an answer for everything.  This came with practice.  I moved around a lot when I was first transitioning which meant I had to deal with new people asking the same questions over and over.  It took a few rounds, but after a while I learned how to deal with any question that might come up.
• I don’t take outings seriously.  This is hard.  Really hard.  I’ve found that the best response to an outing by someone who’s not close to you is to laugh though.  Treat it like a joke.  Play confused.  If they’re an old boyfriend/hook-up make a comment about how they probably wish that was true because at least then they’d have an excuse for the god awful sex.  Roll your eyes and say that it’s sad how limited their imagination is — of course the tiny, feminine-looking guy is trans.  Totally the first time you’ve heard that before.  Idiot can’t even come up with something original.
• I keep my trans-related politics quiet.  I am still involved with trans politics.  I do still go to support groups and work on basic access issues.  I just don’t make it my entire life.  I work primarily as an ally.  I use the words “they” and “them” a lot.  The trans groups I go to are all out of my city.  People know I’m stealth so they know not to out me.  Occasionally this does require not correcting someone when they’ve said something offensive or generalising, but honestly I have to do that sometimes even with the oppressed groups I’m open about being a part of.  Sometimes it’s better to save the fight for another time.
• Really I think the biggest one is that I’m confident and unapologetic.  Yeah, I’m short.  I’m “dainty”.  I have a high voice and I can’t lift heavy things and I tend to squeal over cute animals.  I don’t hide those things though.  I don’t give a damn if other people have a problem with them.  I expect people to treat me as the man I am regardless of my physical appearance.  And 99% of the time they do.  It usually confuses them a bit at first, but they adjust.

Obviously most guys aren’t going to have a family where the guys still look 12 well into their 40s.  That’s not exactly a common thing.  Neither is being on T for a decade without passing 100% though.  Most of you will be read as a guy after a few years on T.  For those of us who don’t, there are ways of managing.  It just takes trial and error and a ton of patience.  More patience than the guys who pass after two months can appreciate.  It’s not easy and it’s not particularly fun, but our options are either adjust or be miserable.  Personally, I try to avoid misery if I can.

“can transmen ever go stealth”

This is going to depend on your definition of ‘stealth’ and what it is you want to do to your body. Do you want to never have to tell anyone in your life that you’re trans, including sexual partners? If you want T, top, and lower surgery you can probably find some way of pulling that off. More if you want a meta. Want to do that, but don’t have any interest in lower surgery? That’s going to be pretty damned difficult unless you plan on never taking off your pants or ending up in a situation where you’re incapacitated (which you can’t really control).

I’m what I call ‘mostly stealth’ or ‘I just like my fucking privacy’.  My doctors know I’m trans. The guys I fuck know I’m trans. *Most of the people I knew before transitioning know I’m trans. When I was still moving around a ton there was always one non-fuck who knew and was given medical power of attorney in case of emergencies. Very occasionally one of the teenagers I mentor will be told I’m trans (almost always because they’re considering transition themselves). Oh, and my boss knows because she got a gender no-match letter. In total in my current city I think six people know I’m trans and I live with four of them. My boss, my boyfriends, one of the guys in my theatre group, and the two teenagers I have guardianship of. Expand that to the rest of the country and the number goes up a bit, but still hovers around 0.5-1% of the people I know and interact with regularly.

I haven’t had lower surgery. I’m not likely to have lower surgery in the near future unless the options change. I’m 5’0″ and maybe 110 pounds dripping wet. I’m a small, rather atypical guy with a gender presentation that’s been described as “Kurt Hummel in Harry Potter”. I’m also lucky enough to have photos of cousins who are just as small and atypical as I am so that people assume late bloomers run in my family. Which they do, my father was just as scrawny and androgynous looking as I am until he was in his early 30s and he was a Marine. Guys who don’t have my particular family background will likely have a harder time brushing things off as “oh, it’s just genetics”. Luckily, you’re also far more likely to start passing within a year or two on T. With my genetics I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

That’s actually where problems come in. Many trans guys find themselves accidentally becoming stealth. T changes can happen largely without us noticing, especially for the guys who start passing quickly. One day you wake up and realise that none of your new friends know you’re trans and have to decide whether you want to tell them or not. For some guys that’s great, they wanted to be stealth from the time they came out. For other guys it feels like ignoring a part of themselves. It’s not really something you can know for sure until it starts happening.

So can trans guys be stealth? Yeah, sure. The bigger question is, do you want to be?

*This is an odd quirk of my own history I didn’t discover until after I’d started this blog. For most people everyone you know before transitioning will know you’re trans.

I just got an inbox full of questions about being stealth and why and how that affects me so rather than respond to each of them individually (sorry guys, I don’t have quite that much free time) I figured I’d do a post.

First of all, it’s important to note that stealth is just as much of a spectrum as gender.  On one end you have “everyone up to and including the cashier at McDonald’s knows I’m trans” and on the other you have “I don’t even tell my sexual partners”.  In between there is a whole lot of grey area.

I’m about two ticks away from the far “don’t tell anyone” end of the spectrum.  My sexual partners know (it’d be damned near impossible for them not to), as do my doctors, friends from my pre-transition days, and a few very close friends in each city I’ve lived in.  One of the things about me is that I have a chronic illness so it’s important that at least one person nearby knows in case I end up in the hospital or something.  I carry a card with me at all times stating both my trans status and every medical issue I have just in case I need emergency treatment.  It’s a little annoying and could lead to outing if I’m not careful, but my health is more important to me than staying stealth.

That’s really what stealth is about, figuring out what’s important to you and adjusting your life to meet those priorities.  For me it’s important to just be one of the guys.  I don’t consider myself to have had a girlhood so much as a childhood and I seem to have missed every aspect of female socialisation I’ve heard talked about so I don’t think the trans part of me is all that big of a deal.  It’s not even so much that I’m annoyed by people thinking of me as a girl as that I’m confused by it.  I don’t get it.  I think of my pre-coming out days and just see me, not a girl or a boy or anything other than a kid/teen who went to LGBT youth groups and loved biology and would not shut up if you got them near a stage.  I don’t identify with the whole ‘sisterhood’ idea and I’m not sure anyone who grew up in my town could be said to have had a traditional upbringing so the ‘female to’ part of FtM isn’t really something I think about.

Which is why I’ve never had a problem staying stealth.  I don’t feel stifled by it.  I’ve never had a conversation where I’ve felt like I was hiding something.  I’ve never had to stop myself from saying something that would out me.  I talk about my childhood all the time (actually, I think people might be sick of hearing about it) without problems.  I never did anything specifically for girls so I’ve never had to lie.  Some of what I grew up with was a bit odd for a little boy, but in my town it wasn’t odd.  For instance, I was a cheerleader when I was younger, but there were a good dozen or so boys on the squad so it never really occurred to me to hide it.

This is probably why I don’t consider stealth to be nearly as big of a deal as most guys who transitioned around the same age a me.  I had a childhood experience that more closely resembles that of the kids socially transitioning around eight or nine now than that of other guys who transitioned at 20.  I don’t really know why other than that I was raised in a unique area and was apparently a fairly androgynous kid, but that’s how it turned out.  Stealth wasn’t even really a question when I was coming out.  I knew I’d come out, transition, pass, and never look back.  Nothing else made sense to me.

Now, that’s not to say I ever wanted to completely leave the trans community.  I don’t particularly like most of it and I want to strangle about half the people at every group I go to, but from the second I realised there wasn’t much of anything for guys like me I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave entirely.  I just don’t do activist work as a trans guy.  I go to groups that aren’t in the city I live to make sure guys coming out know that there are options beyond genderqueer and masculine binary guy.  I work with LGBT groups to make them more trans inclusive as an ally rather than a trans person.  I do youth outreach and mentorships both as a gay man and as a gay trans man (that’s one other person I’m out to, the co-ordinator at the local BB/BS) depending on what’s needed.  Most of the time I don’t have to be out, but occasionally there’ll be a kid who needs someone to talk to.  I keep this blog.

It’s about finding a balance.  For me that balance sways toward being more stealth.  For other people it’ll go more toward being out.  All options are just as valid and no one should be told otherwise.  We’re different people with different needs.  Nothing at all wrong with that.

As most people here know, I’m about 90-99% stealth.  That is, there are only a handful of people in my metro area who both know who I am offline and that I’m trans.  About half are people I’ve slept with, maybe a third are doctors or other medical personnel, and the rest are friends or random people who needed to know (for instance, the financial aid counselor at my university).  Obviously this means I use only the men’s restrooms, locker rooms, etc.

There are just a couple of problems.  First off, I come from a family where even the non-trans men get called “ma’am” until about 30.  When I started T I figured I’d have to wait until at least 40 to pass easily and I’m fine with that, one of the advantages to coming from a gender-ambiguous family is that I know just how common feminine looking guys are.  The bigger issue is that the, uh, monthly horror didn’t stop until about a month ago (and I’m still not 100% sure).  So what do you do when you want/need to use the men’s room, but have to deal with female cycles?

1. Tampons are your friend.  I had intense dysphoria until the T started kicking in so I couldn’t use them until a year or so ago, but if you can stomach the idea I highly suggest it.  They’re easier to get rid of than most alternatives.
2. Also useful, but something I could never in a million years use: divacups/other reusable tampon-like things.  They freak me the fuck out (I’m afraid of it getting stuck, sue me), but I know guys who swear by them.  If you’re comfortable, go for it.  I would’ve if I ever worked up the balls.
3. See if you can find a single stall.  I know, basic Trans 101, but I tend to forget things like this when I’m nervous so I thought I’d remind everyone.
4. Don’t panic.  For god’s sake, don’t creep into the bathroom like you’re trying to take naughty pictures or something.  Nothing makes a person stand out more than trying not to stand out.  Unless you’re in a gay setting, the guys aren’t looking at you.  It’s a thing, no one wants to be the one caught checking out another dude.  Just pretend it’s the ladies’ room and walk in as if you’ve been doing it your entire life.  Worst that happens is some guy tries to be nice and point you in the direction of the “right” bathroom (at which point I suggest acting really offended or embarrassed — embarrassed tends to work better if you often get called “son” and want to go for the pretty-boy-adolescent thing).
5. The vast majority of guys will never notice the sound of you unwrapping whatever protective measures you decide to use.  However, if you’re concerned (I still am sometimes) you can learn to unwrap things in your pocket with a bit of practice.  Backings get a bit of pocket lint on them, but they stay well enough.
6. If you have to toss something in the trash, carry a bag with you.  Wrap item in toilet paper, put in bag, and dump on the way out.
7. Packers can be placed in front of maxi-pads if you’re so inclined.  The sticky backing actually really helps them stay in place.
8. Yes, pads do work with most men’s underwear.  I’ve heard boxers are a problem and I can guess why, but I don’t wear them so I’ve never tested it out.
9. Find a coping mechanism.  For me that week was always the most dysphoric time.  Until recently I was barely functional, it was that bad.  If you have the same issue, try to find something that makes you feel more manly.  For me it was drag performance, being around a bunch of guys in gowns made me feel like I fit in.
10. By the same token, avoid your triggers.  I absolutely refused to watch any porn during that time, it just reminded me of what I don’t have.

So now you know, it is possible to deal with the more annoying aspects of having a uterus while not giving up your life as a guy.  It takes some practice and a certain amount of confidence, but it’s possible.

Note: If you’re still cycling after a year or so (some would say six months) you should talk to your doctor.  Same goes for breakthrough bleeding after not cycling for several months.  It’s not always a problem (in my case it was just a reproductive system that refused to die), but with this sort of thing it’s better to be sure.