Hi, I’m not Aiden.  You can call me Not Aiden, Your Highness, or “Oi!  You!”

When I was four I told my mother I wanted to audition for the Vienna Boys’ Choir.  She told me I didn’t speak German.  I assumed that meant being a girl right now didn’t automatically disqualify me from being a boy in the future and started trying to find someone who would teach me German.

At age nine I moved across the state.  On the first day at my new school the teacher asked if possibly my name was spelled incorrectly on her roll sheet.  I told her it didn’t matter because I went by a nickname anyway and for the next two years everyone knew me as the sissy boy with a surprisingly good right hook.

Then middle school came.  During the transition the administration found out about that whole being a girl thing and quickly tried to rectify the situation.  I ignored them and started wearing my gym clothes under my regular clothes so I didn’t have to use the girls’ locker room.  It would’ve been fine, but puberty decided that would be a great time to torture me.

I switched schools the week after I started my period.  The idea was to give me space to start over.  Instead I used it as a way to let my old friends continue thinking I was a guy.  At my new school I adopted a tomboy persona, switching from the tight shirts and flared jeans that had marked me as a young gay male to baggy jeans and oversized sweaters.  I wore tight sports bras to keep my chest flat and traded my rollerblades for a skateboard.

By high school I was known as the tough chick who beat the boys at everything.  I’d stopped swishing when I walked, trained myself to speak in a monotone, and learnt to stare down anyone who bothered me.  I still couldn’t throw or catch, but that didn’t much matter to the skater crowd I hung out with.  I opted out of PE, instead choosing to join JROTC where I wouldn’t be expected to don a swimsuit or deal with the locker room.

It was an ok existence.  Not great, but as good as I thought it could be, given the circumstances.  At school I was the class tomboy, at home the depressed older daughter, and every other weekend I’d meet up with my old friends to be another gay teen with annoying parents.  My classmates thought I was weird, my parents thought I needed a shrink, my old friends though I had a glandular problem.  It could’ve been worse.

That was when we moved again.  By now I was about to graduate high school and was the only one of my friends who had never had a date.  I figured the only way I was ever going to get laid was if I broke down and tried the girl thing.  So when I registered at the local community college I styled my hair, borrowed some clothes from my young sister’s closet, and tried a bit of makeup.  Then I went to wash my face because I looked like a drag queen on acid.  Either way, my parents were relieved.

A year later I heard about a friend of a friend of a friend who “became a man.”  I was intrigued, but figured it was only the sort of thing you could do if you fancied women and promptly put the idea out of my head.  Then a friend told me about a former classmate who was in a documentary that had made it to the Sundance Film Festival.  A documentary called Transgeneration.  Small things like this continued to happen for about another year.  I’d hear about a transperson, find out they were straight, and move on thinking you couldn’t be a gay transman.

Then I found a website.  On this website was the story of a gay transman.  He’d started off liking women, but he liked men at the end and that’s all that mattered to me.  I decided to start looking into this transition thing.  Started off by digging out my old clothes and getting a haircut.  Came out to a few close friends who all shrugged and said they’d figured it was something like that.  By the end of the year I’d changed my name (the first time), started testosterone, and gotten disowned by my parents (I maintain they should’ve seen it coming).

It’s been years since I first came out.  Since then I’ve lived in seven states and four countries (and travelled to many more), changed my name a second time, and decided to live predominantly stealth.  I keep this blog because I remember what it was like for me when I thought you could only be trans if you were straight.  I also remember coming out and thinking I had to be a macho guy because even the gay transguys were at least somewhat butch.  If I can keep a couple of guys coming out now from thinking that then the risk of someone finding this and recognising me is worth it.

5 Replies to “About”

  1. Hey Aiden,

    Shoot me an e-mail. I’d be interested in having you guest post (or audition to be a regular contributor if you’d like) to Bilerico Project. I’m really digging your blog. You’re a good writer and voices like yours don’t come along often.

  2. Was reading the FAQ and all the posts. You mention that your natural anatomy is something you aren’t comfortable with. That while others refer to bonus holes etc that you don’t even want to refer to yours by anatomical terms. I was curious if you are willing to expand on that? Do you feel bottom surgery would make you more comfortable? Have you had experiences with partners being interested in your anatomy to a point that turned you off? Did you ever find your anatomy pleasurable before transition?

    • 1: I really need to update a few posts. It’s been years since I started this blog so a number of my opinions have changed just by virtue of time passing. I’ve gotten more comfortable with my anatomy, though I still don’t really refer to it as anything just because I don’t particularly like most of the word options.

      2: I’d be happy to expand on it if you’d tell me why you’re asking. I’m sure you can imagine that being asked about one’s genitalia by a complete stranger with no explanation as to why they might want to know is a little off-putting. Feels a bit like being a zoo animal.

  3. So glad I found this website. Made me feel a thousand times more “normal” and I think even helped me accept myself a little more. I’m much too young to transition at all (I’m in high school) but this keeps me hopeful. Thank you!

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