I hate FtM support groups.Â Cannot stand them.Â Most of the time I want to strangle everyone there.Â Still, every time I’m in a new place I look for the group that’s furthest away while still being accessible and go check it out.Â I go, I sit, I listen, I try not to get into too many fights.Â Then the next time they meet I go again.Â I get nothing from it other than maybe a headache, but I go anyway.
Why?Â Because I remember my first meeting.Â I remember being the guy that everyone looked at funny and whispered about when they thought I wasn’t paying attention.Â I remember going to another meeting a few years later and being told by a particularly irritating person that I must be genderqueer because real men don’t challenge the gender binary.Â I remember having my identity dismissed in every possible way every time I went anywhere near another FtM.
I go for the same reasons that I started this blog.Â I know that I can’t be the only gay, effeminate, non-genderqueer FtM out there.Â Somewhere another guy is being told that he can’t wear pink.Â That he has to speak only in a monotone.Â That he needs to stop crossing his legs.Â I may not be able to stop all the gender policing that goes on in FtM circles (rather like how I can’t stop it when it happens amongst teen boys), but I can at least let people know that there’s more than one way to be a guy.
You see, when I’m around it’s hard to pretend that a trans guy can only pass if he’s butch.Â It’s hard to pretend that anyone who doesn’t change their entire personality is somehow not trans enough.Â It’s really hard to pretend that you can only be effeminate if you’re genderqueer.Â I still get treated like the class fag, but I’m ok with that.Â In the vast majority of FtM groups I am the class fag.Â I’m the small, queeny guy who wears glitter and likes showtunes.Â Of course I’m not going to fit in with a bunch of butch guys who like to talk about sports and girls, I wouldn’t fit in with them if they weren’t trans either.
No, I definitely don’t go for the bonding experience.Â I just know that one of these days another small, scared kid is going to come in with rainbow high tops and a swishy walk and I want to make sure he doesn’t get run off.