Why hello there insecurity, been a while since I’ve seen you.

I have been socially transitioned since about age 12.  I didn’t formally come out until I was 20, but I have exactly one friend who considered me a “girl” as a child.  He was my only straight friend and had a crush on me that lasted…well, until I came out.

The early social transition means that I didn’t have nearly as steep of a learning curve as most other transguys (particularly gay ones).  I know gay cues, I know how to interact in male-only circles, I’m pretty comfortable in any situation that doesn’t require me undressing.

Yet, every now and then…something happens.  I’ll get shot down, one of my friends will deal with transphobia, a string of days will go by where I don’t pass…it can be anything.  Any tiny little thing and my confidence disappears.  All of a sudden I start second guessing myself, I start wanting to crawl into a cave and stay there until everyone I know has moved on and I can make a fresh start.

I don’t really want to do this.  I’ve already made about 50 different fresh starts in my life and each time I’ve been upset about losing contact with old friends.  I don’t like fresh starts, even if they make my life easier in the short term they’re still vastly depressing in the long term.

I just wish there was some way for me to be fully confident in how people perceive me.  That’s really what it comes down to, this intense fear that something I say or do is going to ‘give me away’.  It’s slowly getting better as I pass more often, but because I still don’t I spend a substantial amount of time thinking about it.

This time it’s because a friend of mine was auditioning for a part in a show his local gay choir is doing.  Nice guy, passes a hell of a lot better than I do, has an amazing voice.  He’s been a member of this choir for a little over a year and made some great friends.  Several people have commented on how great his voice is so he figured he’d get at least a small part in the show.  Goes to the first audition, all goes well…second audition and the casting director just kind of looks at him and essentially says “no way in hell”.

Now, logically I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with him being trans.  For one thing, he’s not out.  I also know that it has nothing to do with me or my local gay chorus.  I know for a fact that there are at least two guys besides me who are trans and I suspect a couple of others.  A few of the guys know, but haven’t said anything outright.  I’d guess that most of the people I care about most don’t know just because they’d have said something.

Either way, I’m now terrified that all of a sudden people are going to find out and hate me and I’m going to have to run away or something because I will not be the token tranny.  I hate being the token tranny.  I hate being seen as trans before anything else, that’s simply not who I am.

It doesn’t help that there’s this really cute new guy I am totally crushing on.  He’s gorgeous.  Bright red hair, green eyes, freckles, completely not the kind of guy I usually go for.  Normally I’d be flirting, but right now…I’m not so sure.  I want to go hide in a cave until this stupid secondary puberty phase is over and I can be 100% positive I pass.  Unfortunately, with my genetics that could take another 5-10 years.

Even with my early socialisation, I’ve managed to miss so many of the traditional gay boy experiences my friends had.  The giddy first boyfriend, stupid self portraits to show off newly developed pecs…anything that requires a male body I missed out on.  I don’t want to miss anything else.

It’s kind of ironic, really.  Growing up I didn’t realise that I wasn’t like all of my gay guy friends until I was nearly 16 (which is when they all started getting laid).  I’d talk to older gay men who didn’t come out until they were in their 30s or 40s and feel so horrible about all the things they didn’t get to do.  It never once occurred to me that one day I’d be in a similar position.

One thought on “Why hello there insecurity, been a while since I’ve seen you.

  1. “’d talk to older gay men who didn’t come out until they were in their 30s or 40s and feel so horrible about all the things they didn’t get to do. It never once occurred to me that one day I’d be in a similar position.”

    same here , darling. I feel like a 19th century homophile.

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