Someone seriously asked me this question the other day. Honestly, I was kind of surprised. Partially because I haven’t been randomly asked a trans question since my early coming out days and partially because I’d never really thought about it before. It’s an interesting question though, and one that could be reassuring to guys who aren’t sure they’ll ever be able to find anyone so I asked a bunch of old dates. Left out casual sex partners for this one because I tend to think of hook ups in a different category from dating, but if anyone wants those answers there are a few close, but not romantically involved guys I could ask.
Note that this is an entirely unscientific survey. There’s not nearly enough racial diversity to be comprehensive (I have a thing for blue eyed blonds) and I tend to have fairly long term relationships so there weren’t that many guys. Most are guys I went out with a few times and then switched to being friends with either due to lack of personal chemistry or things like distance, work schedules, or existing partner(s) comfort. All are on the more effeminate end of the spectrum. All could be classed as poly, though not everyone would identify as such and only a handful were in active relationships at the time we started dating. All are openly gay (and most couldn’t be closeted if they tried). All have dated both cis and trans men. For some I was the first trans guy they dated. There are no exclusive tops. It’s definitely not a representative sample.
What it came down to were two major things, only one of which actually has to do with being trans.
1: The same exact reasons they’re attracted to cis men. This was overwhelmingly the most common response. Every single guy I asked said some variation of this. Issue is that it’s entirely due to the selection. I don’t date guys who think of trans guys as a separate category of men. If the guys asked were exclusively into trans guys I’m sure the answers would be different (and more varied).
2: After a bit of insisting most guys came up with the ability to adjust dick size. I kind of half way wish I was kidding. It’s a joke I’ve made more than a few times myself, but I was never serious. It was something I told myself when I was feeling crappy about that whole having a vagina thing, a sort of consolation prize. Hearing it from other people makes me slightly uncomfortable. Not because it’s a bad point, it’s actually rather positive. It’s just a personal reaction to the reality of being trans. Of course, this is another one with selection issues. I don’t really get much from bottoming so my dick (flesh or otherwise) becomes a bit more important than it would be if I dated guys who really liked to top.
One other thing that came up a couple of times was how a slightly lowered STD risk was a bit of an added perk. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with considering that a true advantage just because so much of it depends on sexual practices. I’m a bit of a safe sex nazi, had a bad HIV scare right when I was coming out so I keep my risk levels as low as possible without being celibate. Someone with different habits (both in terms of sexual activity and protection use) would have different risk levels. Sure, getting fucked by a condom covered dildo is less likely to result in STD transmission than a bare cock, but an ass is an ass and if you put your uncovered dick into one it doesn’t matter if it belongs to a trans guy or a cis guy.
Exactly one guy said he loved that I’m short because he’d never dated a guy he could swap clothes with before. Seeing as how not all trans guys are as freakishly tiny as I am, I don’t think this one is particularly helpful. Still, it’s kind of nice to know that being small is sometimes a good thing.
So really the reasons to like a trans guy are the same as the reasons to like a cis guy: entirely individual. Personally, I like it that way. It means that guys who view their maleness as different from that of cis men can go hang with the cis guys who feel similarly while I can stay over in my space with the cis guys who think of me as one of them, just with a vaguely interesting medical condition.
I’m a bottom who likes moderately masculine dark-haired tops, so the selection factor is again at work, but I’m selecting a while different set from yours. Reasons I’ve heard in my informal survey of guys who have expressed interest knowing I’m trans and/or fucked me in the last year:
– The obvious “bonus hole.” The fact that it requires no particular preparation and won’t make any significant mess means it’s a really fun and different toy for guys who don’t play with women. This one doesn’t bother me
– No dick, so no comparison/competition. This one makes me uneasy in a way that the previous one didn’t.
– One guy said he liked knowing I wouldn’t ask him to switch. (this guy clearly hasn’t discovered FTM tops. But whatever.)
– One guy said he was always curious about female anatomy down there but didn’t want to get near it on a girl. Mixed feelings on that one.
– One guy said he thought my voice was cute and I looked and sounded like Chris Colfer. In his defense, I’m pre-T, he was somewhat drunk…and I had just finished singing a karaoke Defying Gravity. That line was a winner.
In the one guy’s defence, I haven’t met many FtM tops. We seem to be somewhat rare, not sure why.
The Chris Colfer line is quite possibly the best pickup I’ve ever heard. Sure, he’s a bit young, but the boy isn’t exactly ugly!
I have been wondering why there are so few ftm tops, too. Any ideas on that one?
I’m not really sure. Could be a dysphoria thing. I know strap-ons make me more aware of what I don’t have so I can get preferring to bottom if it’s something you enjoy anyway.
I’ve wondered whether or not socalisation could play a role as well. People raised as girls tend to be trained to be rather submissive which is more of a bottom trait than a top (though I’ve had the pleasure of knowing some incredibly dominant bottoms so it’s not a hard rule or anything).
Of course, there’s also physiology. If you have an extra hole and you like using it there’s no reason not to. It’s there, it’s not going anywhere, may as well enjoy it.
I used to know a ton of FTM tops and often felt like the only bottom, so I don’t hear that very often. But then again, they were mostly bi or straight, so I’m not sure how this factors in. Now I’m wondering, do straight trans guys bottom for their girlfriends?
Haha, somehow I doubt it. Bottoming seems to be a gay trans guy thing. At least, that’s what I get from all the straight guys asking for strap on suggestions.
*Stares* omg, do you think people are that stereotypical?? For some reason, I never thought about that.
What I don’t get- to be a bottom, you need to be less dysphoric about your parts, but why would that be more the case for gay guys than for straight guys?
Maybe it’s the competition feeling- with another penis present, trans guys feel inadequate or something? I know that feeling, though not so much with regards to penis but to other body parts, strangely.
Or is it just because gay guys in general tend to be bottom, and gay trans guys are no exception? *lol*
Considering how stereotypical most of the american trans men I’ve met are, I’m would not be surprised to learn that they either don’t talk about it – evar! – or they never do it -evar!!!!! because it means they are not a masculine manly man. Don’t get me wrong, I love manly men, but I get annoyed when all the trans men act the same. I understand it, but I hate it. I’m not sure if I read this on this website, but someone said that american trans men tend to be really butch/masculine compared to other trans men. And also that american gay trans men are more masculine than their gay counterparts. I’m not sure if any of this remotely true, but I, honestly, wouldn’t be surprised if it were given how homophobic and sissyphobic people tend to be. Also pre-t, a lot of guys go a little overboard with the show of masculinity, much of it predicated on not being gay and not being feminine (even when they tell you it’s not about that… yeah, right). I totally get it. but i hate it.
I think why gay trans men bottom so much is because it feels ten times better than before his transition. This is why gay trans men are horny and demanding bottoms, don’tcha know? You two tops really are golden unicorns. /snark
No, there are definitely straight trans men who bottom for their girlfriends and enjoy being fucked either anally or in the bonus hole.
I’m glad to hear that! I have met so many cis straight guys who get fucked by their girlfriends that it would be strange for trans guys not to do it.
Not exactly straight, but I’m bi and I probably would bottom for the right girl. But probably not in the front hole because that’d be triggering. But I’m also pre-T so idk if that’d change afterwards.
Well…to be honest, I kind of wonder (and I don’t mean this to offend) just what it is that a trans guy gets out of topping. Physiologically. I get that it’s fun for other reasons, I totally like to watch my partner have fun, and I’ll happily switch if asked, but I don’t really see any point in doing it otherwise. The strapon pushing and rubbing against sensitive parts is mostly just kind of painful.
Am I doing it wrong? Because if I could get it to not suck, I’d love to call myself versatile. Although that adds new complications in the club scene (just where do I carry my dick?)
On a physical level? Not much. I wear things so that they *don’t* rub against my junk because you’re right, that just hurts. There’s an intense emotional high that goes with it though, to the point where there’s almost a psychological orgasm at the end. I can’t feel what’s happening, but it feels like I can feel it, if that makes any sense. For physical needs I like blow jobs, frot, and (when I can get hard enough) using my actual dick.
Clubbing gets…tricky. I like LolaJake for pack and plays, though you have to be careful with what trousers you wear if you don’t want to look ridiculous. What I’d about kill for is a prosthesis that got hard via a shaft pumping action. I have an idea of how it could work, but no way to test it out.
a purely emotional high for me too. nothing physical at all. though i do enjoy the pleasure i give my boyfriend, and in my head i SOMETIMES manage to pretend it’s my *real* dick that’s going in and out of him. also we do a lot of role playing, so hearing him talk about my cock eases my dysphoria a bit. but i still wish that i could have physical pleasure from sex the way cis gay guy tops do…you know, like orgasm and ejaculation.
Place the thing higher, not directly on your cock!! (cis cocks are a bit higher up than trans cocks anyway) Not all strap-ons allow exact higher positioning, you have to shop around. Also try different kinds of materials and stands (some are flat, some are more hollow). I found that silicone is too hard for me, and they often have a terribly hard flat stand. I prefer the pvc dicks that you get here at gay sex shops (always use condoms with them!!). They have a stand that is formed a bit like a suction cup and fits very nicely on the pubic bone. I totally feel stuff. I don’t mind the (slight) bruising 😉
And I agree with NA about the psychological aspect.
I often have a physical orgasm simply by rutting my partner without even using a strap on, as does the person I’m fucking. it seems both of us can feel my “phantom cock” and get large amounts of pleasure out of it!
Gay trans boy top here. I’m going to try to answer the question of why there are few gay trans guys who are strictly tops. Let me start by explaining my sexual situation. Here goes: I think I would sooner die than be bottomed and I would do ANYTHING to have a flesh and blood dick to fuck boys with. While effeminate socially, I am quite dominant sexually. I think my situation is the worst of all possible worlds, because I get literally no physical enjoyment from sex. No phantom-limb pleasure, as I hear some trans guys describing.
One trans guy suggested getting some kind of vibrating toy thing to put in my briefs while fucking my partner with my sili-cock, but that would make me feel probably even more dysphoria.
So, in short, there’s my answer on why there’s not many like me out there: It’s just not much fun to draw attention to what you don’t have by using a silicon part instead of the flesh and blood one you wish you had, ESPECIALLY when you’re gay and you’re in bed with a cis guy who has what you’ve spent your life wishing for. The straight trans guys who are tops come from the lesbian community usually, where they are used to fucking their girlfriends with dildos, AND their girlfriend doesn’t have nor want a dick of her own.
That said, I find it really hard to relate to straight trans guys, particularly the tops (and most seem to be tops). No surprise, I don’t relate to straight cis guys either for the same reasons: The machismo, and the relentless obsession with fucking and analyzing the body parts of girls. Not my interests.
I wish I knew one other gay trans guy top, but from reading this blog i at least know i’m not the only one.
Try a double ended dildo if thats not against your rules, the best ones around is the share by fun factory… My wife just loves it and has multiple orgasms using it. (we are a regular bisex couple in an open relationship)
As I don’t personally know any ftm gay guys, I could be suggesting something inapropriate, if so excuse my ignorance 🙂
@justin: I am a total top and I didn’t come from the lesbian community. I’m actually socially detransitioning because of how much bs I got for being a gay ftm total top.
Yeah. Definitely the best I’ve ever heard.
He’s not that young – he’s 20, I’m 27, that’s not so bad, right? Most people think I look 16…
He’s like two days younger than my kid sister so to me he seems a lot younger than he actually is. I know logically that it’s not a huge age difference, but…my baby sister. Nevermind that most guys pin my age at somewhere between 16 and 18 depending on what I’m wearing.
I also got these answers (not dating, but affairs and one-night-stands):
– You got small fists, that’s easier or it might even work double-handed. (I love that one)
– I don’t care what you have in your pants, I’m bi (love that one too)
– Never thought about having sex with an FTM, but now as you’re saying it, I’ve just added it to my things-not-yet-tried-out-and-to-do-list (have somewhat mixed feelings about it but as long as it helps me have sex I’m fine with it)
There are times I wish it was easier to find bi guys I’m even remotely attracted to. They’re usually a bit too close to straight guys for my tastes though, sad.
Same here about bi guys.
Altogether you’re right, though this often depends on how much time they’ve spent in the gay scene in their life, compared to straight “territories”, what relationships they’ve had, plus on the individual. What I like about (out of closet) bi guys is they tend to be a bit more open-minded as they don’t belong 100% anywhere.
What I don’t like about bi guys, I don’t have a functioning bidar and my gaydar very often does not ping them.
But they have a huge advantage above non-bi women and gays (I’m overgeneralizing here): they don’t freak out when I tell them I’m bi, and the beginning of a relationship is much better and less stressful for no reason. I don’t need to make a bisexuality 101 with them, and it does not take months until they get convinced that they can throw the biphobic garbage out of their brain, other than many non-bi women and gay guys.
They don’t worry about me leaving them for someone of the other sex just “cause he/she is of the other sex than they are” etc. They don’t think I’m cheat on them for the sheer reason that I’m bi. They don’t presume that me being with them has turned me gay (or, before transition, straight). They don’t think I am just having a bi phase and not made up my mind yet. and might leave them once I know what I want etc. What rather happens is that they are relieved that they won’t have to deal with the same biphobia or at least cluelessness with me either.
That’s more of an advantage due to being bi than trans though, isn’t it? Like, I don’t have to worry about biphobia any more than I’d worry about Islamophobia because I’m neither bi nor Muslim. Bigotry is still a deal-breaker, but it’s not nearly as personal.
Sure, it’s a huge advantage due to being bi not trans. But there’s also an advantage with bi guys when you’re trans – many of them get along well with a kind of male-female mixed body as I currently have or even like it a lot. Makes me feel less shitty about my current physical state.
Concerning biphobia, one advantage I got from transitioning is that straight guys don’t get totally excited about it immediately, hoping for a threesome with 2 chicks or asking me right away if I’d do this. It always pissed me off, especially if they were not attracted to me before knowing I was bi. Bi guys never did this to me.
One disadvantage now is that many straight guys are less cool about having a bi guy around than a bi girl. I’m not quite sure what’s worse though, being objectified or shunned.
my boyfriend is pansexual…likes all genders and is VERY effeminate. more so than me, even. i agree that usually, bi boys who are more comfortable with the gay scene will have less of a macho trip about them…don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg in that situation. also, i’ve noticed bi boys tend to “get” the trans thing better than the gay guys i’ve known, some of whom say stupid stuff like “wait, why don’t you date women?” and “you don’t have a dick and you’re a top. why would any guy want you?” and “how are you trans? you’re nothing like chaz bono.”
Oh, and that one was cool as well:
– So what? You’re cute.
Isn’t that just the best answer?
I am surprised that it isn’t more common that your getting men who dig short/small guys it’s not universal of course (I’m 5’9″) but if you had a cis gay boy who dug smaller partners you would expect him to date more trans guys than average.
I’m on the short end of short. Like, if guys were classed like poodles I’d be a smaller toy size. The guys a few inches taller than me tend to get the “yay, short dude!” response more often.
As for the guy I dated, it was more of an added bonus. His previous boyfriend was 6’2″ 😛
I love smaller guys and I have an odd thing for small feet.. most trans guys have both those qualities 🙂
I was actually persuing a guy who I didn’t know was trans.. when I found out, I had the “that doesn’t matter” and it made me realize that its the person more than the hardware they have. 🙂
Try “many” or, better “the ones I’ve encountered” rather than “most”, it’ll be a little less offensive to trans men. Six foot guy here. There are more of us than you think.
Um. Most trans guys ARE smaller than your average cis guy. Basic biology at work here. Most aren’t as ridiculously small as me, but I’m short even for a girl.
Er, you have stats for that? I’m just saying that categorizing an entire group of people like that, without hard facts, goes against your point, which is excellent, that liking trans men is about liking men for who they are individually.
Are you purposely being an ass? Average height for females in the US: 5’5″. Average height for men in the US: 5’10”. Since most trans men fall along female height averages rather than male ones (because we usually start T after puberty has stunted our growth) it stands to reason that most of us are on the short end for guys. It’s like saying most (not all) trans guys have experienced a menstrual cycle.
Honestly, if that’s the kind of phrasing that upsets you you may be better off finding another blog to read. I’m not into trying to phrase everything so that no one is ever offended and most of the people who comment here aren’t either.
“Er, you have stats for that?” Sure: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_height Check out the “average height around the world” section. Women are for the “most” part universally shorter than men. Of course you be a transman and have been born intersex, but once again “most” accurately describes the number of FTMs vs ITMs the average person will encounter.
Are you always this politically correct? How does your brain not implode?