What NOT to do when you’ve asked out a trans guy

I don’t normally “date”.  I hate being stuck in one place with a guy who I may or may not actually be interested in beyond a quick fuck and I get nervous when cornered.  If I’m horny I go pick someone up or call one of the guys I have purely sexual arrangements with.  Boyfriends have almost always managed to happen after I’ve become friends with someone and therefore no longer stutter in their presence.

Sometimes, though, I’ll let friends talk me into dating.  Normally it’s not so bad.  Last night was a rather awful exception.  Guys who are ok with dating trans guys: here is what not to do.

– Don’t insist on talking (loudly) about how much you love drag queens.  I am not a drag queen.  In fact, I have very little in common with drag queens other than enjoying their shows.

– Don’t ask (repeatedly) whether or not I have a dick.  You will find out if I ever decide to sleep with you — something you’ve just made exponentially less likely.

– Along those same lines, don’t ask how big my dick is if I have one.

– Don’t make she-male jokes.

– Don’t say you “really respect trannies”.  Especially if you can’t appreciate the irony in your own statement.

– Don’t ask about what steps I’ve made in transition.  One does not usually discuss one’s medical history on a first date.  You’ll notice that I never asked about your penile lengthening.

– Don’t ask about my “real name”.  I’ve given you my real name, it’s legal and everything.

– Don’t talk about your “chicks with dicks” fantasy.  Not only do I not care, it shows that you clearly misunderstood the explanation I gave when accepting the date.

– Do not, under any circumstances, utter the phrase “best of both worlds.”

– Do not say that you’ve always considered yourself “a little bisexual anyway”.

– Do NOT get angry when I push away your attempts at groping me.  I shouldn’t even have to say this, but apparently you are a moron.

– Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make some claim about how I should take whatever you’re offering because no one else will want me.  I don’t give a damn if no one else on the planet wants to come near me, you are still not an option.  I do not sleep with rude, disrespectful, arrogant bigots who don’t know how to keep their hands to themselves.

(And if that date of mine is reading this he should know that there will soon be a rumour spread about how he’s developed a rash in a rather unfortunate area.  This is one tranny that you really shouldn’t piss off.)

17 thoughts on “What NOT to do when you’ve asked out a trans guy

  1. To trans people: You’ll have to forgive me in advance if my question is stupid; I don’t know a lot about trans people and there is nothing I can do about that except try to educate myself.
    In response to “dont ask me if I have a dick”
    So while it’s obviously not appropriate to ask on the first date, don’t you think it’s only fair, if the relationship progresses to the point that you might want to have sex with someone, to tell the other person what kind of genetalia you have–I mean BEFORE YOU decide that YOU WANT to sleep with them, that may be a factor that they want to consider before they want to sleep with you?

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    • Generally if a trans person has any interest in a person at all they’ll bring up the genitalia issue on their own. I would’ve mentioned it before the night was through if the guy hadn’t shown himself to be an immense jackass within the first half hour. Other people take longer, but the vast majority will explain without prompting. It’s rare that you’ll find a pre/non-GRS trans person who flat out refuses to disclose. If you can’t handle waiting for the person to tell you you probably aren’t ready to date a trans person.

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    • @ Will Welch: I know it’s not 100% the same, but do you expect a non-trans guy with a tiny penis to tell you that on the first date? Do you ask your dates about that early on (Or do you tell them if your penis is tiny)? I know there are circumstances where this might be ok (anonymous online dating with a size queen). But still, you wouldn’t do it at a candlelight dinner (I hope). There is a thin, but deep line between appropriate and inappropriate here. Also, as you write you don’t know much about trans men, I’m giving you some free advise here – trans male genitalia don’t look exactly like female genitalia, even if the guy has no surgery. You can make the assumption, that when the man in question takes hormones long enough to pass as non-trans, his genitalia will probabaly look like a tiny penis. Yes, it grows. You heard right. The information “I have no penis” would be misleading.

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    • If he hadn’t been such a nice guy before I told him I’d seriously think he was. It was flat out amazing how quickly he went from “sweet guy with a bit of boyish charm” to “good lord, were you born that stupid or have you been fucked into a wall too many times?”

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  3. Holy crap, you got a doozy!

    The “real name” question has always bothered me the most, as if my given name is more important than what I call myself. Seriously, by definition, a name is what people call you and what you call yourself. If you and other people call you X, then you’re real name is X.

    If you have to ask what someone’s “real name” is then it has become clear that you haven’t been paying attention or that you’re being a total ass.

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    • Yeah, I will never understand why people feel the need to ask for our ‘real’ names. It’s a name. Unless I’ve told you to call me Princess Fluffernut you should assume that whatever I’ve said is ‘real’.

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  4. Ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with such a fuckwit.

    I’m wondering if the way he groped you at the end of the night was a result of him thinking of you as more of a woman than a man. I’m not really knowledgeable of the world of gay men, so I honestly didn’t know men would treat other men… well, the way straight men treat women. (I looked for a commenting policy to make sure I didn’t step on toes with my comment, but couldn’t find one, so if this comment is offensive, I apologize.)

    At any rate, I hope he suffers for his nasty behavior.

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    • Oh the groping alone isn’t all that unusual. In fact, I normally welcome it. It was more his reaction to my pushing him away that bothered me.

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      • Yes, that’s more what I meant- the rejection of your answer as the final word on the matter.

        Are you still going to date after this experience? Considering you don’t date much usually to begin with.

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        • The not taking no for an answer thing is something I’ve heard complaints about from cis guy friends — both straight and gay — so I don’t really consider it a gendered response. More an asshole response.

          And yeah, I’ll probably still date on occasion. I mean, I’ve had some pretty horrid sexual encounters as well, but I’m not going to stop having sex because of them.

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          • Okay, gotcha. Thanks for answering.

            Well, that’s good.

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  5. Thank you for this post. I have a loved one who is dealing with transgender issues, and I don’t always know what to say and have occasionally said some really insensitive and hurtful things. This is a good primer on how to avoid doing that! Thank you!

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  6. Thank you for this. “Best of both worlds” should never be used in reference to a person. And a date is not supposed to be like a live Yahoo! Answers.

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  7. I stumbled upon your blog and have now spent the greater part of my evening reading through parts of it.

    Like everyone else I fully agree that he was a right on ass. it takes dedication and skill to be that moronic in such a small time frame.

    First and first and foremost thanks for writing this blog. It’s good to know there are other guys who are not super masculine nor fall into the genderblender camp. I can’t say I’m the same brand sissy (more the skinny artsy guy type with the geeky bookworm thrown in for good measure) but it is nice to know I’m not the only one with some of these opinions.

    I have to wonder if he looked up “quickest ways to piss off a transguy” on google before going out with you.

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    • I’m always happy to find other guys who don’t fall into either of the ‘main’ FtM groups. Geeky, artsy, camp, quirky, whatever. Cis guys have a huge variety of gender expressions, there’s no reason trans guys have to be any different.

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