Guest Post: So you’re a gay trans man?

1.  Get comfortable with the idea of gay sex.

Many FTMs date women at first because they assume that they must like women if they are a man, but this is not true at all.  If you are interested in dating men or already do, then start calling yourself gay and get used to the idea.  This is important because being a gay man is frowned upon, and announcing that you are going to transition to a gay man takes most people aback.  Most will not understand this, but that’s okay because you’ve found this website and a good portion of transmen are gay.  You are not alone.

As a big part of this, you will have to overcome internalized homophobia in addition to internalized transphobia, so talking about your sexuality is just as important as talking about your gender (which I’m sure you do all the time ;)).  You must unlearn many of the ideas you subconsciously have about gay men and gay sex, which is not easy.  You might have some sexual repression.  You might feel shame when you call yourself gay.  It may feel really uncomfortable.  You need a gay and trans positive person to talk to about this.  Don’t ignore it and assume that accepting your transsexuality means that you are okay with being gay as well.

If you’ve never had sex with another man and would like to, but are scared, you may just need to do some research.  This could be as simple as making out with a guy (preferably gay), watching gay porn, or making some gay male friends and asking them some questions at the risk of sounding dumb or silly.  Explore.

2. Your new (gay) libido

At the beginning the wait for muscles, a deeper voice and hair seems endless.  It never comes fast enough, does it?  While you wait, lets work on becoming comfortable talking about your libido.  Testosterone jettisons your libido into warp speed compared to what happened before.  You could be like me and become a slutbag right away (not my normal way of being, but a valid choice) or you could wait a bit and get used to how it works first.

Your outside bits grow and become super sensitive.  Thinking about sex makes you hot and bothered.  Visual imagery has more of an impact.  Smells drive you wild.  Sometimes, sex will be the only thing on your mind and you can’t escape it.  Find a hot video (Gayup.org/ is my favorite stop) and enjoy yourself.  Repeat if necessary.  All men go through this period of their lives but usually around age 15, so other people might really start to wonder what’s going on even if you haven’t told them yet.  Once you get a hold on your libido and what gets you off, start to assess your level of readiness for the dating scene.

3.  Getting ready to date (and passing).

When your body starts to masculinize, your body shape will change.  If you can afford it, replace your clothes (buy nice ones and get them tailored if you are short) as they stop fitting.  Gay men, in general, like to show off their bodies.  You might have already done this before, but many transmen never felt comfortable as women to go so far as to show their body off, so this may take some getting used to.  Tight clothes are encouraged, packing is a must.   Find your assets and show them off.  You may need another gay man’s assessment on your body (scary, I know), but it will help you figure this out, as everyone is different.  For instance, I have quite the booty, always have and always will.  Before I transitioned, I hated it and tried to hide it.  Now, it’s what gets me a date, so I’ve learned to love it and show it off.

For those who are pre-surgery, binding must become your art.  Depending on their size, your most hated bodily possessions must be squeezed to death under layers of fabric and made to look like a male’s chest as much as possible.  It is very easy for some and an enormous (pun intended) proposition for others. Some other men might just think its all muscle under there from far away.   Others won’t notice at all.  Figure out what works best for you.  Make sure you can breathe, especially if you like to dance like me.  Wear the binder while shopping because certain clothes make it seem to disappear.

For those post-surgery or the rare “I barely need surgery” men, show off your chest.  Pre-surgery, I slouched hardcore and had to relearn how to carry myself as if I’ve never been embarrassed about my chest.  Get some muscles and revel in your new chest.

4.  Dating (and passing as a gay man).

I hate to stereotype gay men in general, but it is a well-known fact that gay men are superficial ;).  When cruising or socializing you will most likely be judged on the way you looked (as previously female, you’ve probably already experienced this).  However, you may have taken care before to not look too put together in order to look less female, but now you need to reverse this in order achieve your fullest dating potential.  Take care of yourself – eat good food, exercise, and quit smoking.

Regarding the acquisition of a special friend, testosterone will determine when you start passing consistently, but there are some things you can do to increase your chances of being seen as a gay man.  If you around other gay men, being open about your sexuality is a good start (especially, if you don’t pass that well yet) – make sure they know you’re gay.   Flirt.   Go dancing.  Make out.   (Don’t do the drugs!).  USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously.

5.  Disclosure

When you find someone you like and who may like you, you need to figure out when and how to tell him that you are trans.  This is a sensitive and complex subject that cannot be discussed in full in this context, but I wanted to mention it because your safety is important.  Give this a lot of thought and do not assume that he won’t be okay with it.  But also expect that some men will not only not be okay with your transness but they will be quite cruel about it.  Do not let other people determine your self-worth.  Stay safe and have fun!

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.

21 thoughts on “Guest Post: So you’re a gay trans man?

  1. Okay this is a great post and all. And part of me feels like WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS BLOG 1 YEAR AGO? Would have saved me lots of angst. Especially liked the bits about getting comfortable with gay sex and libido changes. I definitely agree with the advice to make gay male friends and go out with them. And the using condoms advice—very good.

    But I’ve got some major issues with this entry. I’m a gay man and I’m out as trans. I only pack if I’m going to be in the kind of place where somebody is going to grab my crotch and even then, these days I still feel ambivalent. I look 100% male, if someone grabs my crotch and they’re shocked to not find a penis that’s not my problem. I’ve gone onto the dance floor in a gay club in nothing but a binder and jeans and no one clocked me.

    Same issue with all your “passing” advice and the disclosure stuff. I’m open about being trans up front and directly. I don’t even consider it disclosure. I say it the same way I say I’m versatile, am in an open relationship or into BDSM. I don’t feel like I need to “disclose” that I’m trans anymore than I have to “disclose” that I like my ass fucked. Or that I would have to “disclose” to a straight person that I’m gay. That word implies secrecy and shame.

    I get that plenty of guys like to be stealth. But your advice is to noobies! Why give them advice that assumes they’re going to want to hide the trans aspects of their bodies and life experiences instead of celebrate them? Plenty of gay cisgender dudes are totally into transguys and the idea of fucking a dude with a cunt and plenty others couldn’t care less. Many others have tiny penises themselves and are relieved to not have to compete.

    And you’ve completely overlooked the whole Bear culture– an aspect of gay culture that celebrates BIG HAIRY MEN. Not all homos are into twinks and bodybuilders.

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    • I’m glad you liked it and am totally psyched that you’ve given me feedback as this is the first time I’ve written this subject matter. I think its amazing that you can be that open where you live, but unfortunately most people don’t have that much leeway. I live in New Hampshire and being out as anything even slightly queer makes people take notice. For me, its a safety issue, not a shame issue. If being out is safe in your community, then, YES, do it, by all means. But if you are young and queer and stand out, then keep yourself safe.

      As for specific gay communities, I tried to keep it wide open on purpose. This is a very introductory piece for the newly out. This is not for people who are already comfortable with their sexuality.

      I’m not a big hairy man, so I didn’t write about bears…although I do find hairy men hot.

      As for the packing issue, whatever floats your boat.

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      • Hi, I live in New Hampshire also and I know what you mean. I moved to California a couple years ago to transition but it didn’t work out and I had to move back here so I ended up detransitioning, now I’m stuck here in homaphobia land. Back to pretending I’m a girl cuz I have a girls body so I just wanted to tell ya my story seeing how we both live in this phobic state,

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    • Hey Kian,

      great text! :-)

      Like you I’d stress the importance of socializing and getting friends with gay men: Become part of the community. Learn the lingo, and all that. Gay men as a group tick very differently from say, straight people or dykes. Actually, I find the superficiality quite a relief sometimes ;-) In larger communities, it should be easy to find subgroups that share your interests, so you have friends that you can read semiotics (or whatever) with, and afterwards go clubbing.

      I agree, it makes a very big difference if yo live in a large town with a big community or in a province town. I didn’t realize that before I moved from A to B. Now the whole safety aspect has become much more important.

      I’m interested in what you said about internalized transphobia- could you give an example?

      And your booty got you dates? We need to talk about that.. :-D

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      • Thanks.

        For the first four years of my transition, I lived in a small town full of queers. I was very open and honest about my transness and actually transitioned while working in a very popular coffeeshop. I was never the only trans guy working there, as there were so many in my town that it wasn’t considered that weird. But now I live in NH, which is much more conservative and I have to be so much more careful. I think you already know this, but I’m really really effeminate, so I stand out already. I think if I told people that I was trans too, they might have a heart attack! But if someone asks, I tell them the truth.

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        • It was pretty similar for me in some ways. When I moved, I found out about another minus of being queer or trans- you have to start from zero with all that outing/not outing crap. And it makes a big difference where you move. That *so* sucks. Until that moment I felt relatively free and self confident. But that changed when I came here.

          Oh, and being the pertinacious lad I am: about the internalized transphobia (if you don’t mind)- I have read about that concept, but I’m not sure if I get it.

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          • Every trans person has their own set of internalized transphobic beliefs that they must work through as part of their transition. For me, this included the idea that trans men are pretending to be men. Obviously I don’t think this anymore, but when I was first coming to terms with my transsexuality, I always felt shame when someone referred to me with female pronouns, because it meant they knew the “truth” about me. Also, when a gay man would tell me that I would never know what its like to be a “real fag” I would feel a part of me agree with his assessment. Or when I was told that I was just confused, I also tended to agree. Basically, they are just myths you’ve been taught about trans people that have been pounded into your skull by whatever community you live or grew up in.

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            • That’s interesting. I’ll give it more thought. How did you overcome these convictions?

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      • Oh, and the butt thing. I don’t know exactly why my ass has magnetic powers, but it does. It sort of shelfy with lots of meat and attracts butt-hungry homos like flies. ;)

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    • Warren- I was wondering– you said that you pass 100%. Does that play into your relaxed view on packing and so on? I found that physical appearance dominates everything- people accept as man who looks like man. When you look like man, it’s easier to play with people’s expectations, from that point of relative safety. What do you think?

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  2. Kian,
    It was a good article. I enjoyed your humor, but I would like to take issue with the idea that gay men are superficial. Some gay men are superficial. If one operates under the premise that gay men are superficial that’s the kind of gay men one is likely to meet. Word to the wise on that one.

    Good tip on the not smoking thing. Also nobody really likes a lush. So try to watch the bottle.

    So boys, we’re gay for a reason. Take it to heart and have fun.

    g

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  3. Apparently, that was my failed attempt at tongue-in-cheek humor. I personally look for artistic type guys who also also not vain, but when it comes to pure sexuality, we’re all superficial, imo.

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  4. Hello! WOW, I searched gay transmen and found this page and I am psyched!

    I am a gay transman in Chicago. I am very stealth about my tras status, but a big flaming fag! I am not a bear, not a twink, not a jock, I am just a guy!

    I have been very fortunate not to ever have a problem disclosing. I frequently go to Steamworks; a gay men’s only bath house. I NEVER have a problem, and there are 1000′s of guys that go there. The Management knows I am trans and told me if I ever have a problem to tell them right away ad they will kick the bitches ass out! I live in the gay neighborhood here in Chicago FYI.

    I am 100% pre op, look 10000000% male, and young looking dur to my facial hair is taking forever to come in. It will be 3 years at the end of April on T.

    My problem is dating. #1, I am VERY picky, #2, the guys I tend to like are either taken, or a hot fucking mess, or Nasty! Yes I am a superficial gay man. Dating has been non existent since I transitioned. I am not asking for much, a guy 25-37, in shape, muscular toned, not fat, not smelly, not hiv +, not a druggie, not a freak, and smell god, and has a good job and is intelligent!

    The only hard part of transition is dating, gay or straight.

    I tell guys right up front that I am trans, if they don’t like it, fuck them, not gonna waste my time talking to them if they are not interested. only 1 time out of 100s and 100s of time have I told a guy have I had a negative response. I am also fortunate to live in a very liberal city.

    Well, I am glad I found other guys to talk about being a gay t guy!!!

    Good to share experiences and ideas!

    YES STAY SAFE…Use condoms and enjoys being what you called “A Slutbag” lol he he he!!! I lover sex!

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  5. OH, 1 more thought on packing…

    I pack ALL THE TIME, only cause I pack a STP, no fucking way will I sit and piss….gross! LMAO LMAO!

    It’s all a personal choice, but I do believe that if your a man and trans men are MEN! You should have a package, cause I know I stare at mens’ cocks through their pants all fucking day!!! If I see a guy with no bulge, I turn my head cause there is nothing to look at and I love a HUGE package! mmmmm lmao!

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  6. The reliable source (for pr0n) that I mentioned in this blog post has been shut down. Now I need to find a new source. Anyone???

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    • Hi Jim! Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Anyway, I’m glad you liked it. :)

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  7. Hi! This was a great read and I loved all the discussion in the comments. My only slight issue is with: “As a big part of this, you will have to overcome internalized homophobia in addition to internalized transphobia…”

    Because I had NO homophobia, internalized or other. Now I grew up in a tiny stupid conservative town, but thankfully with liberal parents. For a good while, I didn’t really know about lgb stuff in any way, good or bad. And for MUCH longer, I didn’t know about trans things, which was a lot harder on me. I felt completely alone and lost. But despite that, in high school, as soon as I met some openly gay men, I INSTANTLY befriended them. I never questioned or had any problems with gayness. I clicked with them instantly, and would back them up against any stuck up homophobic hicks from our school… sadly those jerks seemed to abound. But really, I mean… I’ve always loved boys… and as soon as I came to terms with being transgender, I had NO PROBLEMS being gay. I celebrated it right from the start. In fact, a lot of my friends used to joke and call me a gay man in a girl’s body since early high school! It’s a shame I didn’t figure out how right they were, back then.

    But I just wanted to point out that not everyone has internalized homophobia. And probably not everyone has internalized transphobia either. I’m certain I had some of that, but I bet not everyone does.

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