For the Non-Trans Gay Men: Liking a Trans Guy Does NOT Make You Straight

I already did one of these for the women, but apparently it needs spelled out for the gay men as well because I just got fifteen hits in one day for this question.

Seriously lads, liking a transguy is still liking a guy.  The lack of a penis irritates me just as much as it irritates you.  Actually, it most likely irritates me more.  Imagine how you’d feel if you woke up one day without your dick.

Are there some cultural differences?  It depends on the guy.  I was raised in gay male circles and know more about gay history than most gay men my own age.  Other transguys were into women before they came out and are still learning about interaction and social cues.  Just like with any other guy, a particular transguy may or may not be your type.  We’re all different though so don’t assume because you didn’t mesh with one transguy you won’t mesh with any of us.

A few myths to dispel: No, we are not straight women trying to “turn” you.  You’re not that attractive and it’s really not worth the effort.  Do you seriously think we decided to start shooting ourselves up with steroids and chopping off parts of our bodies just to get dates?  It’s a bit much to go through, especially since many of us were more popular before we came out.

No, we are not the stepping stone between gay and straight.  We are dudes, if you like one of us you still like a dude.  You don’t get to use us as a way to figure out your own sexuality, just as straight men don’t get to use gay hookers to figure out theirs.  It’s rude, it’s cruel, and it’s ignoring that we’re just as human as you are.

No, we are not all bottoms.  Some of us are tops, some of us switch.  It depends on the guy just like anyone else.

No, we are not all former butch lesbians.  Like I said before, I was raised with gay guys.  I have no lesbian-dar and wouldn’t know what to do in a lesbian group.  Most of the time I end up accidentally offending someone.  Plus, I’m not butch.  At all.

Yes, we do like cock just as much as the next gay guy.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be hitting on you, would we?

We’re guys.  Guys with a particular medical condition that requires a particular set of treatment options.  Other than that we’re not all that different from you.

23 Replies to “For the Non-Trans Gay Men: Liking a Trans Guy Does NOT Make You Straight”

  1. Ditto on everything you said. I hate it when a gay non-trans man is afraid he’s going to lose his gay card if he sleeps with me. First, who cares? Second, it can be hot new fun, so why not at least try it before you decide?

    • I can understand being a bit freaked out. I was the first time I slept with another transguy and I really should know better. It’s different, it’s unexpected, it’s not always something a person is ready for. I just don’t get why some guys have to be such assholes about it.

      (BTW, I absolutely love your name.)

      • Yeah, it takes some people a while to digest, and some never properly digest it. I’ve come to accept that people are freaked out by me, that its almost become this game in that I just lay it all on the table to see how wide their eyes get (I often do it in it a funny manner, but yes as shocking as possible). If they can get past the first “shock” then they might last long enough to accept me as a gay man (I think most men like to be surprised if they’re honest with themselves). If they can’t get past something that previously had no place in their worldview, I don’t waste my time. I think I also just like people who can roll with the punches.

  2. I agree with all of this. I identify as a gay male myself, and I threw my room mate in a loop when he found out. He now identifies as pansexual. lol

    For some reason, it seems that gay males seem to be the most freaked out about transmen than most people. I’m not sure why.

    • I think part of it has to do with how much shit gay men have to go through. It’s not popular to say, but I experience far more homophobia and overall hatred now that people see me as a gay man than I did when they (incorrectly) assumed I was a lesbian. You go through all of that and then find out that you’re attracted to someone with a vagina…it can cause a pretty severe identity crisis.

      It doesn’t help that so many transmen are deeply enmeshed in the lesbian community. There are people who think that because we already have a place with lesbians we don’t need one with gay men. Bit problematic for those of us who have no interest in women.

      • “It doesn’t help that so many transmen are deeply enmeshed in the lesbian community.”

        Totally. I hate this fact and it does make it harder for transmen to taken seriously as men if we all hung out where we didn’t belong (because men aren’t lesbians). I try to avoid lesbian spaces – I don’t feel welcome, but where I last lived it was just impossible to avoid lesbians (they were everywhere! 😉 and I met many transmen (the straight ones) who continued to be big parts of the lesbian community during and after their transition.

        They always invited me to parties but hanging out with lesbians, genderqueers of the assigned-female variety and straight transmen was not my cup of tea. I liked the femmey boys, the homos, drag queens, and so on, and yet I was always assumed to be part of the lesbian community because of the other transmen in my town.

        I don’t live there anymore, and I certainly don’t miss that part. I also pass 100% now (I think) and a lot of these issues do not come up anymore because of the way I look now. I get called a fag on a regular basis now, so I get to deal with that instead.

        Dealing with homophobia is demoralizing and demeaning, so I can sympathize with other homos getting defensive about who they sleep with. I still don’t like it. And I used to feel bad about confronting their transphobia because of what they went through to get where they were (out and proud). Sleeping with me challenges their identity as a gay man and is difficult; many of them aren’t ready for it and that’s okay too, I guess. For some gay men, sleeping with a bisexual man challenges their identity, so its not just trans men that are being affected by gay-on-gay policing (is that even a word or is there another word that expresses this better?).

        • I’ve been lucky enough to be able to avoid lesbian areas entirely. It also means avoiding the vast majority of transmen, but in some ways that’s a blessing. I was never comfortable around other transguys, there was too much pressure to conform to the butch stereotype.

          Homophobia is a serious pain in the ass to get used to. I wasn’t really exposed to it when I was younger (my school would suspend you for saying “that’s so gay”) so when I moved there was some serious culture shock. If I wasn’t so damned stubborn there’s a good chance I’d have tried toning my gestures and mannerisms down a bit to avoid all the harassment. So yeah, I get a gay guy not being ready for the whole trans thing. I don’t like it either though. Especially not when they’re cruel about it.

          • I was never butch enough either. Often transguys would hear me giggle and shoot me this dirty look as if I was messing it up for them. Straight transmen, especially the butch ones, want nothing to with the femmey transfags, in general. Although I did make out with one once and he got really confused after it. haha.

            I do not and will never fit other people’s expectations of what a man is and I’m okay with that. Getting used to how other people perceive my effeminate mannerisms is hard considering before I transitioned they were encouraged. Sometimes when I’m in public and I do something really girly, I’ll look around to see who’s watching and I often find people staring at me like they’ve never seen a homo before. But one thing that I’m really happy about is that as a gay transman I don’t feel ashamed for loving other men, the way that non-trans gay men tend to.

          • Yeah, I had issues at every trans group I went to. When I went to FtM groups I’d either get glared at for being “too girly” or told that I absolutely, 100% must identify as genderqueer because I’m not butch. The first few times I went to a trans-spectrum group the women decided to tell me that I wasn’t gay enough. If you’ve ever seen the episode of Queer as Folk where Emmett throws down his yoga mat and goes “They said I’m not gay enough!” you’ve got a decent idea of what my reaction was.

            I had kind of an interesting childhood in that I socially transitioned myself in elementary school without my parents knowing. So I was already pretty aware of how my mannerisms would be received when I came out. I’m just happy I don’t have the same level of internalised sissyphobia as many non-trans gay men I’ve met. There’s nothing that frustrates me more than an amazingly great guy trying to downplay his more effeminate mannerisms or insisting that he’s not “that kind of gay man”.

          • “When I went to FtM groups I’d either get glared at for being “too girly” or told that I absolutely, 100% must identify as genderqueer because I’m not butch.”

            It’s pretty fascinating for me that you have experienced the exact same. I was beginning to think that I have a strange personality for getting shit in *both* (and opposite) types of groups.

          • Nah, it seems to be pretty typical of gay trans guys. Rather, gay trans guys who are effeminate and on the transexual end of the spectrum instead of the transgender side.

          • What a relief! (or.. not?)
            I’ve met only very few gay effeminate transsexual guys before 😉

  3. Obviously because most gay men had to struggle very hard for coming to terms with being gay. also they can’t believe that they fall in love with “us”. I had gay man falling in love with me pre trasition, who knew that I was trans. One panicked completely, even though he was in love. The other was ok, because he had been with a girl as a teen, and didn’t feel that it made him less gay. But he was afraid that his parents would see us and that he would have to convince them of his gayness all over again. So I had to hide when we were in his house 😉 crazy world

  4. I agree completely.
    Personally, I am an out, straight transman and I’ve had girls go out with me only to “prove to their friends that they’re bi”. Honestly it’s ridiculous, and hellishly difficult to get it through their skulls that I’m still a guy, and dating me doesn’t make them like both sexes.

    • Yeah, I’ve kinda given up on dating bi/pan guys. I feel bad because there have to be at least a FEW who aren’t interested in transpeople solely as a way of proving their own sexuality, but I’ve had enough bad experiences that I’m not really willing to risk it.

  5. Hey!
    A trans guy I know from youtube just told me about your blog. It’s FANTASTIC!

    I’m a gay ftm. Gay as gay gets. Total transfag homo. So much of what you’ve said hits home.

    I’m actually fairly straight looking. While I wouldn’t call myself butch, I do generally only shop in the men’s department. Occasionally I’ll put on eyeliner or have fun with femme mannerisms but most folks are pretty surprised when they find out I’m gay. I’m also really open about being trans (trans stuff is all over my FB profile) and people do struggle with putting the two things together.

    I don’t usually have problems with cis-gender gay or bisexual men. A short sincere yet casual conversation to clear things up for them generally does the trick. Then again, I live in Europe, things are different over here. Folks are more open-minded in general.

    • Haha, I tend to stick to the men’s department too unless it’s Pride (decent short shorts and hip hugger flares that don’t cost $600 each). Don’t know if you’ve ever seen/heard of Ugly Betty, but think Justin Suarez or Marc St James rather than drag queen.

      Gods I miss Europe. I lived in London and Paris for about a year each, both were the absolute BEST places for me in terms of trans stuff. They beat out San Francisco and New York by a decent bit and those are the best places I’ve been able to find in the US. I also think European guys are just better looking than American ones =P

      Random, is transfag back to meaning gay trans guy? I’ve been kind of hiding in the shadows of the trans community for a couple of years so my terminology is a bit rusty. It was gay trans guy when I first came out then suddenly switched to trans guy who only dates other trans guys and then I decided they were all pissing me off and left. Be nice if there was a word to describe us again.

      • I’m currently living in Paris, and I have no idea what you mean about things being easy about trans stuff… On the contrary, I feel it would be so much easier if I lived somewhere else.

        Most of the sex I get is from manhunt etc., and then again I never disclose (just sucking guys off). Rare times I’ve disclosed, the guy when like “wtf” and I never saw him again…

        How did you manage? Where did you hang out?

        • Honestly? I got dragged around by friends whose French is much better than mine. A year in the country and I’m still just barely fluent speaking-wise. It’s like the one romance language that gives me trouble.

          I think it probably helped that at the time I was doing the “cute schoolboy” thing. Sort of androgynous, very young looking. It was a popular look then, not sure about now.

          The lack of knowledge about trans stuff also helped. I’ve had more trouble with guys since trans knowledge became widespread because now they have all of these misconceptions I have to correct. Before it was like starting from scratch which was oddly easier.

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