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Initially there was the frustration of not-passing and not being able to pull in nightclubs, and meeting all these hot gay guys who didn’t see me as male and weren’t interested. Then passing, but feeling like an imposter when I tried to pull because I knew I had the “wrong” equipment and I felt like I was tricking them — which, yeah, will put your self-confidence in the can. Then successfully pulling, but being far too self-conscious and unhappy with my body to enjoy sex at all, even when I was with partners who weren’t as bothered by it as I was.

That finally changed when I started dating a bisexual guy that I had SPECTACULAR chemistry with, who was patient with my body issues but made it perfectly clear that all the hold-up was on my end, that HE thought I was smoking hot in every way and he wanted to fuck me through the goddamned mattress. It was with him that I finally learned to *believe* it when partners said they found me attractive, instead of being convinced that they were just saying that to make me feel better.

(Pro-tip, guys: if your partners tell you you’re hot, take it at face value. You gain absolutely nothing — and stand to sour everything — by second-guessing them.)

We broke up for reasons unrelated to the trans thing, but that relationship was still a watershed in my transition because I came out of it with a newfound sense of self-worth. I was a man that other men found desirable (wanted to fuck through the mattress, in fact ), there were people out there who didn’t care about the trans thing, and I would do alright for myself.

That was a couple years ago and I haven’t seriously dated anyone since, but I’ve come to realize that it’s more to do with me than with my junk. I’m simply not interested in most people; I don’t fall in love often or easily, and there’s been no one who moved me as much as that guy did. That said, I also haven’t had any shortage of guys (gay, bi, and occasionally straight) who are happy to have sex with me, “wrong” equipment and all, and would date me if I were interested.

Which feels uncomfortably like bragging, but the takeaway from this is that ultimately, some people are good at dating, good at finding relationships, and some of us are not. Certainly, the trans thing can throw a wrench in the works, but people who are good at dating always seem to get around that with relative ease (that was a frustration when I had just started T, that I couldn’t hook up with anyone and I knew that other FTMs had done more with less) and people who aren’t good at dating (represent!) are being held up by their disinclination for it, not their equipment.

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First off, you are a cis woman. “Biologically female” implies that trans women are robots or fake women or something. That’s why we use cis and trans. They’re equalizers. It seems like a little thing, but language is important. It shapes our thoughts and limits our arguments. So cis and trans. Remember them. They’ll come in handy if you keep wanting to educate yourself on trans issues.

Second, you don’t get to have an opinion on what dating is like for trans people. You don’t know what it’s like. You have nothing to compare it to. A lot of the time being an ally is knowing when to be quiet and learn from the people around you. If it involves something that only trans people can know about — dating or passing or discrimination, things like that — then it’s time to sit quietly. Listen to what people are saying. Learn about their perspectives. Be sympathetic. Try not to do the things they’re complaining about. But stay quiet unless they specifically ask for a cis person’s opinion. Because these are things you can never understand. Not the way we do.

Finally, dating is not the same for cis and trans people. It’s not even the same for straight trans people and gay trans people. Cis people don’t have to worry about transphobia. They don’t have to think about whether or not the person they’re interested in will turn violent when they disclose their trans status. They don’t get told that they’re trying to “trick” or “trap” people. They don’t have to worry about being turned away from gay-run hotels because the staff wants to believe their boyfriend is a “client”. It’s not the same. We have the problems of politics and romance and compatibility, but we also have this giant extra layer of issues to deal with. A significant portion of the time when we’re rejected it’s because the person we’re interested in is too transphobic to even take the time to learn what being trans really means. That’s not an issue of ‘meshing well’, it’s an issue of living in a transphobic world.

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Your advice is, as usual, superb and cutting and I really appreciate this update.

Something that’s really served me well is just generally not having any expectations about whether I’m going to get laid. In fact, I generally just assume that I’m NOT going to get laid, and focus on finding friendships and meeting interesting people and getting better at conversationalizing.

Entitlement is a turn off. Many cis guys rarely get laid, and so you’re not special if you are having trouble picking up. No one but your mama will sympathize with you if you whine about it. Join the club, as they say.

RealJock forums also had a thing on trans guys, and a lot of cis gay guys are really open about trans guys, even frontal. The thread’s currently active, btw.

Didn’t know that about bears and leather daddies- good to know since I love bears and leather daddies. And other bi switch/vers. queer/pan/bi guys AND effeminate guys and drag queens and cross dressers and country boys and all the boys, ha, i’m a slut.

Alternatives to picking up are chatting (I’ve found a few good chat partners on manhunt). Ask for dick pics if you want them. I generally do. I respond with ass pics because my dick don’t look like a dick yet and I don’t have $900 for the dream dick reelmagic prosthetic i want.

I only ever got the ‘best of both worlds’ comment once, when I was presenting female, VERY female. Case in point: your maleness can ‘shine through’ (or ooze out?) even if you’re a no-ho pre-op trans guy in a mini skirt, weave, and heels as long as you let it. Ever see the episode of Drag Race where they stick the ‘straight’ guys in drag? You were probably a lot more like that than you realize, a corollary of the “you’re not as effeminate as you think” advice.

We’re men, and other men will be able to see that even if they don’t want to acknowledge it at first. That’s their hang-up, not yours.

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Ran into your blog by chance and have been reading it for the last half an hour. Just wanted to say I really like your writing, and your POV – You’re really good at this

I know a lot about this world though I’m just an ally -Got at least 2 FtMs in my immediate close circle of friends – but there’s still so much to learn.

So, thank you. Keep up the great job!

O.

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Then you get into issues of body and identity. For some guys the fear of being seen as ‘the best of both worlds’ or something other than 100% man is too great to be able to comfortably date bi guys. I had that issue for a long time. There are bi guys who reinforce this by making comments that I’m sure are intended to be flattering, but end up just being painful. On the other side, there are bi guys who refuse to date trans people because of the idea that we’re ‘both’. The whole “if I wanted to date a man I’d find a REAL one” problem. I’ve heard of that less than the first, but that doesn’t really help matters when you’re being rejected. So while dating bi guys is a great solution for some people, it certainly isn’t a sure thing.

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I am bisexual and love straight sex but when i am with men I prefer to bottom exclusively, I also love being passive to a woman with a strapon. If i met a ftm top, I would gladly be exlusively bottom, no different than meeting a bio male gay top or a strapon woman.

In fact a ftm top has a big advantage over a bio male, you don’t have to recover

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