“Is it transphobic to not date a trans person?”
I’m actually surprised it took this long for this question to come up. It’s common enough, but also far more complicated than people tend to think. So much depends on why you won’t date a trans person. I’m gonna use the gay male angle for this because that’s what I know, but the answers are all pretty much the same.
There’s the “but I’m gay!” response. Yeah, that one’s transphobic. Why? Because it says that trans men are really women. It once again reduces us to what may or may not be in our pants. Guess what? Trans men are men. Dating us doesn’t make you any less gay, it just makes you less of a douche.
Also in here is the “I don’t go for twat” excuse. I’m always torn on whether or not this one’s transphobic by itself because, y’know what? I don’t really like it either. I have no issues sucking a trans guy’s dick, but the second he expects me to go slightly further south I get kind of nauseous. It’s all…wet and squishy and I swear to god the last time I tried it almost ate my finger. Thing is, not all trans guys are into that anyway. *Assuming we are is a more subtle way of putting us back into the “woman” box. So while the lack of desire to fuck a vagina isn’t necessarily transphobic, the jump from that to turning down all trans guys everywhere is.
After those two we start getting into more subtle distinctions. It’s pretty common for early/pre-T guys to be turned down because they don’t pass. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you if that’s transphobic or not. I tend to lean toward no because you can’t help who you’re visually attracted to. I like my guys pretty and twinkish so I don’t really notice, but if you’re into bears then a pre-T guy isn’t gonna do it for you and I can understand that.
There’s also the issue of identity. Being seen as half of a straight couple can be disturbing, any trans guy who’s experienced dysphoria over that should understand. Cis guys can have the same issue. Even if they don’t see us as women the issue of the general public doing so is sometimes a dealbreaker. It’s related to the early/pre-T issue in that most guys pass this phase after being on T for a while, but with a slightly different reason. Sure, it’s showing cis-privilege, but I’m still far more accepting of this one than most others. After all, I get how irritating it is for the world to see you as someone you’re not. Why would I try to subject someone else to it?
What it comes down to is treating us like individuals rather than some monolithic entity. Turning down all trans guys? Transphobic, even if you don’t mean to be. Turning down specific trans guys for specific reasons? Not transphobic. There are some fine lines that can be hard to figure out, but for the most part if you’d date Kaiden even though you don’t like Jayden you’re probably good.
*Not trying to say that guys who like front penetration aren’t guys or anything, it’s just the underlying sentiment people who use that excuse tend to have.