Dear “Allies”,

Virtually every trans related blog in the world has some version of this already, but just in case you missed the memo:

– Saying that you support trans rights while also claiming that we’re not “real” men or women is contradictory.
– Saying that you have no problem with trans people…as long as your child isn’t one is bullshit.
– Saying that you aren’t transphobic because you have a gay hairdresser is flat out ridiculous.
– Saying that you love FtMs, after all, you once dated a butch lesbian is missing the goddamned point.
– Saying that you have a place for trans people…away from everyone else is cruel.

– Calling a trans man “she” is incorrect (not to mention rude).
– Calling a binary identified trans person “zie”, “sie”, or “they” is a nice try, but still wrong.
– Calling a gay guy who dates trans men straight is misidentifying everyone involved.
– Calling a gay trans guy “confused” is just as bad as if the guy in question wasn’t trans.
– Calling all trans guys “butch” is ignoring a small, but significant portion of the population.

– Using trans people to show that you’re cool/edgy/accepting is juvenile.
– Using trans people to get a rise out of people is wrong and pretty pathetic.
– Using trans people to further your own agenda is failing to recognise that we are people, not lab rats.
– Using trans people to show that LGB people are “normal” is unacceptable.
– Using trans people to test out your sexuality is just plain mean.

– It is not polite to ask about “the surgery”.
– It is not polite to ask about our birth names.
– It is not polite to say that you “had a hunch”.
– It is not polite to say that we were “such a pretty girl/handsome boy”.
– It is not polite to assume that we will become your personal trans* encyclopaedia.

– You do not get bonus points for using the right pronouns.
– You do not get bonus points for being respectful.
– You do not get bonus points for accepting us as who we are.
– You do not get bonus points for recognising that there is more to us than our genitalia.
– You do not get bonus points for simply treating us like any other human being.

Most ‘allies’ (I really dislike that word) don’t need to be told this. Most of you are pretty awesome and understand basic courtesy. However, there are a fair few who are in desperate need of tips from Miss Manners. With any luck this will help.

Yes, random Googler, you can get off after lower surgery

At least, everything I’ve read and everyone I’ve talked to has said it’s possible.

Other questions that have come up recently:

– NO, gay men who date trans men are NOT straight.  Honestly people, we’ve gone over this a million times already.

– NO, you cannot put your guy name on your FAFSA before you’ve legally changed it.  I’m sorry, but you’re just going to have to deal with it.

– YES, you can be gay and trans.  See the rest of this blog.

– NO, colleges and universities in the US are not required to place FtM students in male dorms (in the vast majority of states, there are exceptions).  There is no federal law stating that you have a right to a dorm that matches your gender identity, it’s all up to state and local laws and how accommodating the school in question is willing to be.  Some places are better than others, ask questions and look around before you make a final decision.

– YES, your high school/college/whatever can make a rule stating that you must wear a dress to graduation (assuming of course that there’s no protection for trans* people in the non-discrimination policy).  It sucks, but it’s allowed in the workplace as well.  Women can be required to wear dresses and skirts as long as their dress code is not considered more of a burden than men’s.  The good news is that often if you explain the situation to enough people (calmly, rationally, and politely) you can get an exception made.

– NO, trans men who like pink are not automatically genderqueer.  Don’t get me started on this one again, I’ll just end up ranting.

– YES, there will be a real post again soon.  Just been busy lately.

Guest Post: Advice to newly out gay trans men

Three gay FTM old-timers have gathered the following tips that might help you to become part of the gay community.

Personality and Dress

  • While you may feel the need to play with your masculinity and put on personas while you figure things out, please use an editing eye. For instance, say you like having a big bulge. Instead of going for the biggest one in the store, take it back a notch and get a medium-sized one to start. Same goes with other things like mannerisms. Perhaps you still sing-song like a typical woman and you’d like to start “speaking like a man”. Well, you could make your voice super monotonous and lacking of any emotion (how boring!), or you could find a balance between expressing yourself and embodying a stereotype of a man. You get to choose, so do it wisely.
  • If you must wear baggy clothes to feel comfortable during the early stages of transition, please do not continue after starting T. Your body shape will change, the hips will disappear (for the most part) and guys pants will start to fit well. This is when you need to update your wardrobe. This ties into learning to feel right in your body after so many years of hating it, so you must unlearn your old habits of dress. Start watching how men wear their clothes – you’ll start to see that looking like a 15 year old boy isn’t really that attractive. Find your own style.
  • Don’t use gay men as something of a guinea pig for your experiments with masculinity. While it is ok to be adventurous and curious about sex, it is not ok to be so while looking down on or being disgusted by the people that you date.
  • Don’t become a caricature of a gay man. You are not required to swish, squeal, giggle and wiggle but if you do, just make it your own and not copy your mannerisms from other people. Be natural and let the gay man inside come out but don’t force it.
  • You will try things on that don’t fit and some that do. If you’ve tried X and you find you don’t like it, then don’t do it, regardless of how many trans men have told you that you must do X in order to pass. If you like Y and every trans man you’ve met has told you to never do Y in order to pass, then keep doing it. Courage of conviction is a must when you are in the early stages – you must stick to your guns and believe you are who you say you are despite many others trying to convince you otherwise. And whenever someone says that you will only pass if you do X, Y, or Z is simplifying the entire process and leaving out the most important part – your happiness.
  • It doesn’t hurt to be creative in dress and hairstyle. Be delicious.

Social Aspects

  • Forget what you learned about gay men from the media and start learning from actual gay men.
  • Recognize the diversity of gay men, because they’re not all the same, just as not all trans men are the same.
  • Don’t throw slurs around until you know which ones are being reclaimed/used in your particular area.
  • Do not mock gay men and/or gay culture.  Most guys don’t mean to do this, but it’s the one that’s likely to piss people off the most — and alienate you from any stealth trans guys who may be watching. Do NOT make fun of anyone until you are close enough that everyone knows it’s friendly. Don’t make gay jokes, don’t whine about Peter Pan syndrome or immature queens, don’t suddenly start acting like Kurt from Glee when really you’re more like Artie. It’s a vastly annoying phase that many guys (cis or trans) go through and the more you can avoid it the better.
  • When you go to a new gay male place, just stay in the background for a while, and learn how people are behaving.  There are lots of rituals, the way people flirt and make contact. Make friends, get to know people.  If you behave well and people know and like you, gay men will approach you easily, often even when you are not passing yet. Men are easy to understand and easy to have, not like with women.
  • Remember that gay men are independent and much less group-oriented than women/lesbians are.  Men don’t control each other the way women do.  They don’t do the telepathy/empathy thing.   When a man says something, it is implied that he says it only about himself.  Never expect that he will check in if he might somehow hurt you with what he says, because he is only speaking about himself.
  • Be entertaining and friendly. Many gay guys make an art of being a good conversationalist, and good manners are certainly something that will endear you to people. Be funny, or if you can’t, be kind.
  • Gay men actually like men. As in, really like them – not just men’s bodies, but men’s culture, men’s ways of relating to each other, the way men smell and taste and sound. A certain amount of misandry is tolerated among lesbians and the genderqueer types, and even among straight women, and it’s easy to soak that up, but gay men can smell it and it turns them off (even as potential friends) before you even open your mouth.
  • Don’t act like you’ve figured out how to be a man that is somehow how better than the versions you see from cis men. You’re not going to earn any friends that way and you certainly won’t get laid if you complain about all the misogyny and sexism you see. Cis gays are real people and they deserve respect, even if that means biting your tongue at times. Pick your battles. If you must call someone out for misogyny or sexism, do it in a funny or polite manner – they are your potential friends and mates, not pawns of the enemy.
  • If you have trouble finding your place, don’t fret, you just haven’t met the right people yet.

Sex

  • Know yourself and know what you want/don’t want. When you want something, you have to take care of it yourself.  Don’t expect that your partner will somehow think for you.  You have to be outspoken at all times.  Say no and say yes immediately.  A guy will never sense that something is wrong with you, because he expects that you take responsibility for your boundaries and needs, just as he is taking for his own.  Be outspoken about it without being bitchy.
  • Socialize with cis men as friends before you try to date or sleep with them. If you can’t get along as one of the guys, figure out the problem before you start trying to bring a sexual element into it. Straight women can get laid with guys they don’t like and can’t relate to (usually with guys who similarly don’t like and can’t relate to girls), but gay men expect at least a little bit of common ground, even the ones looking for NSA (no strings attached) stuff.
  • Don’t be too aggressive and not take no for an answer. Shrug the rejection off and move on to the next guy.  There will be guys that don’t feel comfortable sleeping with trans man and you must accept this.
  • Don’t cry transphobia for everything – no one likes to be called a douchebag for no reason. This is especially true when getting turned down for sex, it’s not always because we’re trans. “Not my type” encompasses everything from clothes to hair to height to genitals to sexual interests. I know I’ve turned down trans guys for reasons unrelated to their crotch, cis gay guys should have that option too.
  • Don’t be grossed out by stuff. If it isn’t your piece of cake, just leave. There are other places. Don’t give people the feeling that they are perverted or something.
  • Don’t go into a gay male back room with a group of early transition FTM, (esp. when the guys who are in there have known you as a lesbian for years) and demand that they have sex with you. If the guys feel uneasy about it, don’t call them transphobic – that won’t enhance your chances to fuck them.

Bonus material:

Norah Vincent talks about her experiences with passing in straight male communities:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5171860

Written by ShipofFools, Kian and Not Aiden.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.  (Except where they do…gotta love group efforts.)

Testosterone: It’s not magic

I’ve been trying to gain muscle for about the last three months.  It very much is an exercise in futility since NONE of the men in my family can gain muscle until they’re 30 or so.  My dad and uncles were all in the military, most of my male cousins are in now.  None of them were/are muscular.  Fit, yes.  Able to run 6-10 miles at a stretch, definitely.  Muscular?  Never.  So I know that the chances of my ever being able to look good in those International Male style tight t-shirts are pretty frickin’ low, at least for the next few years.

Still, I try.  Because when I started T everyone went on about how I’d stop being so damned scrawny.  I’d check out blogs and see all these guys who went from puny to ripped after two or three months.  I know logically that their genetics are different from my own, but damned if that’s going to override the magic powers many of us (subconsciously) give to T.

So here’s a heads up for those of you who think T is a wonder cure: it’s not.

T will not:

  • Cure your depression (though it may help a little, for me it’s a mood stabiliser so I need fewer anti-depressants)
  • Transform you from geek to stud
  • Make you more outgoing
  • Give you a beard overnight
  • Do anything overnight, really
  • Cure your social anxiety (unless your anxiety is related to being seen as a woman, but that still takes time)
  • Give you motivation to do things you were putting off, ie: school, work, or otherwise functioning as an independent person
  • Stop your periods in one day (average seems to be 2-3 months, in my case it took years…but I’m an exception)
  • Automatically make you pass
  • Make you a superhero in bed
  • Completely remove your body dysphoria (generally, some people make peace with their bits)
  • Turn you gay

About the last one: some guys do experience a shift in sexuality after coming out.  However, most of that seems to stem from being seen as a man rather than testosterone itself.  Even guys who’ve had to stop T for a while continue to be attracted to men once their system has stabilised to their pre-T hormone levels.

What will testosterone do?  It will simulate a male puberty thereby allowing you to look about how you would have if you’d been born with (functioning) testes.  If the guys in your family are bears there is a good chance you will look like a bear.  If the guys in your family are twinkish (like in mine) you’ll probably end up twinkish.  It’s all about genetics and what you ended up with.

Quick answer

Hopefully whoever is currently searching on this topic will read this:

YES, TRANS MEN CAN LIKE MEN.

Sexuality is entirely removed from gender identity, you like who you like.  I like men.  Many of the people who read this blog like men.  Liking men does NOT stop a person from being trans.  So don’t worry about it too much.

Guest Post: Internalized Transphobia and What It Means to You

Often when trans people look for advice on dealing with internalized transphobia, we find a definition and are told to find a therapist.  Not finding this helpful for most trans people, I would like to offer an alternative.  Rather than focus on the definition of transphobia, I would like to concentrate on the individual beliefs, or myths, that comprise transphobia, particularly for gay FTMs.  Myths shape our thought processes because they are usually firmly held,  taught to us at a young age and are repeatedly reinforced by the culture we live in.   While you may have come to terms with being trans and have started transitioning, you may still have these myths in place that serve to diminish your self-esteem and self-worth.

The following is a cognitive-based approach that I learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and has proven useful for me in combating inner myths that mirrored transphobic cultural ideas.  Myths are not universal.  Some of the myths that resonate with me will resonate strongly with you, some will not at all.  Disregard the ones that don’t apply to you and address the ones that strike a chord, as these myths are the probably the root of your self-hate.  My list of myths about being an effeminate gay trans man is very personal, as these are the ideas that shaped how I saw and judged myself during the first few years of transition.   I’m sure that you can think of myths that didn’t occur to me or don’t apply to me, so I encourage you to do this in addition to the following exercise.

The next step involves rewriting your personal myths so that you can start to pick them apart and eventually make your personal belief system more positive.  When you rewrite a myth, it can be anything from subtle change of one word to a complete reorganization of the idea.  A rewrite should challenge the original myth and be personal.  I cannot rewrite myths for you, although I will provide examples of rewrites that resonate with me.   Why?  This is about you and how you see yourself.  Only you can change this and hopefully you can start here.

Myth #1
My lack of a penis means I’m not really a man.

My rewrites:
My lack of a penis means that I’m not a typical man.
My lack of a penis has no bearing on my manhood.
My lack of a penis is not my fault.

Myth #2:
I’m only pretending to be a boy.

My rewrites:
I’m not pretending to be anything.
I’m being true to myself.

Myth #3
I’m not a real FTM transsexual because I’m too feminine.

My rewrites:
FTM transsexuals come in many varieties and I happen to come in the fey, gay and fabulous variety.
My inner sense of being male has no relation to my feminine gender expression.

Myth #4
My attraction to men means I’m not a real FTM.

My rewrites:
My attraction to men has nothing to do my gender.
FTMs can be attracted to anyone.

I encourage you to start with these three and see if you can come up with rewrites that resonate with you.  Below you will find more myths that I compiled in a list for you to start tackling.  Remember these are personal myths, so there there are no right or wrong ways to rewrite a myth.

•    I’m not a real gay man because I was born female.
•    I’m just really confused and other people probably know better.
•    I must not be a real FTM because I used to wear dresses.
•    I like to have sex with my front hole so I must not be a real FTM.
•    I’m a freak and don’t deserved to be loved.
•    If I could just try harder I would be happier with my assigned sex.
•    I must be defective.
•    I’m too pretty to be an FTM.
•    I’m a fag hag, not a fag.
•    When people call me “she” it means they know the real truth.
•    Being trans is a choice and my decision to take hormones and have surgery means I’m weak.
•    I’m reinforcing the gender binary by transitioning.
•    Transitioning is radical and must be done only as a last resort.
•    No one will want to date me.
•    I’m betraying women by transitioning.
•    I’m disgusting.
•    I’m buying into the patriarchy by transitioning.
•    I’m short and nobody likes short men.
•    I have to butch up in order to be a proper FTM.
•    I’ll never truly know what it’s like to be a man.
•    I’m FTM so I must like girls.
•    I’m not a real FTM transsexual if I don’t get bottom surgery.
•    My personality will change on hormones and I will become a different person.
•    All of my problems stem from my transsexuality.
•    I will never be happy.
•    I will always be considered a freak.
•    I’m never mistaken for a boy, so I must not be a real transsexual.
•    To be a successful FTM transsexual, I must pass at all times.

Now the rest is up to you.  Rewrite as many or as few as you need to.

Please note: I am not a psychologist, a therapist or a mental health counselor.  My only qualifications include 10 years of therapy, 6 years of transition, an obsession with psychology and a sincere desire to help my fellow trans sisters and brothers come to terms with their genders.  If this is not helpful, please let me know.  If it is very helpful, please let me know.  I am open to all suggestions, comments and concerns, as this is the first time I have attempted this.

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

Guest Post: So you’re a gay trans man?

1.  Get comfortable with the idea of gay sex.

Many FTMs date women at first because they assume that they must like women if they are a man, but this is not true at all.  If you are interested in dating men or already do, then start calling yourself gay and get used to the idea.  This is important because being a gay man is frowned upon, and announcing that you are going to transition to a gay man takes most people aback.  Most will not understand this, but that’s okay because you’ve found this website and a good portion of transmen are gay.  You are not alone.

As a big part of this, you will have to overcome internalized homophobia in addition to internalized transphobia, so talking about your sexuality is just as important as talking about your gender (which I’m sure you do all the time ;)).  You must unlearn many of the ideas you subconsciously have about gay men and gay sex, which is not easy.  You might have some sexual repression.  You might feel shame when you call yourself gay.  It may feel really uncomfortable.  You need a gay and trans positive person to talk to about this.  Don’t ignore it and assume that accepting your transsexuality means that you are okay with being gay as well.

If you’ve never had sex with another man and would like to, but are scared, you may just need to do some research.  This could be as simple as making out with a guy (preferably gay), watching gay porn, or making some gay male friends and asking them some questions at the risk of sounding dumb or silly.  Explore.

2. Your new (gay) libido

At the beginning the wait for muscles, a deeper voice and hair seems endless.  It never comes fast enough, does it?  While you wait, lets work on becoming comfortable talking about your libido.  Testosterone jettisons your libido into warp speed compared to what happened before.  You could be like me and become a slutbag right away (not my normal way of being, but a valid choice) or you could wait a bit and get used to how it works first.

Your outside bits grow and become super sensitive.  Thinking about sex makes you hot and bothered.  Visual imagery has more of an impact.  Smells drive you wild.  Sometimes, sex will be the only thing on your mind and you can’t escape it.  Find a hot video (Gayup.org/ is my favorite stop) and enjoy yourself.  Repeat if necessary.  All men go through this period of their lives but usually around age 15, so other people might really start to wonder what’s going on even if you haven’t told them yet.  Once you get a hold on your libido and what gets you off, start to assess your level of readiness for the dating scene.

3.  Getting ready to date (and passing).

When your body starts to masculinize, your body shape will change.  If you can afford it, replace your clothes (buy nice ones and get them tailored if you are short) as they stop fitting.  Gay men, in general, like to show off their bodies.  You might have already done this before, but many transmen never felt comfortable as women to go so far as to show their body off, so this may take some getting used to.  Tight clothes are encouraged, packing is a must.   Find your assets and show them off.  You may need another gay man’s assessment on your body (scary, I know), but it will help you figure this out, as everyone is different.  For instance, I have quite the booty, always have and always will.  Before I transitioned, I hated it and tried to hide it.  Now, it’s what gets me a date, so I’ve learned to love it and show it off.

For those who are pre-surgery, binding must become your art.  Depending on their size, your most hated bodily possessions must be squeezed to death under layers of fabric and made to look like a male’s chest as much as possible.  It is very easy for some and an enormous (pun intended) proposition for others. Some other men might just think its all muscle under there from far away.   Others won’t notice at all.  Figure out what works best for you.  Make sure you can breathe, especially if you like to dance like me.  Wear the binder while shopping because certain clothes make it seem to disappear.

For those post-surgery or the rare “I barely need surgery” men, show off your chest.  Pre-surgery, I slouched hardcore and had to relearn how to carry myself as if I’ve never been embarrassed about my chest.  Get some muscles and revel in your new chest.

4.  Dating (and passing as a gay man).

I hate to stereotype gay men in general, but it is a well-known fact that gay men are superficial ;).  When cruising or socializing you will most likely be judged on the way you looked (as previously female, you’ve probably already experienced this).  However, you may have taken care before to not look too put together in order to look less female, but now you need to reverse this in order achieve your fullest dating potential.  Take care of yourself – eat good food, exercise, and quit smoking.

Regarding the acquisition of a special friend, testosterone will determine when you start passing consistently, but there are some things you can do to increase your chances of being seen as a gay man.  If you around other gay men, being open about your sexuality is a good start (especially, if you don’t pass that well yet) – make sure they know you’re gay.   Flirt.   Go dancing.  Make out.   (Don’t do the drugs!).  USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously.

5.  Disclosure

When you find someone you like and who may like you, you need to figure out when and how to tell him that you are trans.  This is a sensitive and complex subject that cannot be discussed in full in this context, but I wanted to mention it because your safety is important.  Give this a lot of thought and do not assume that he won’t be okay with it.  But also expect that some men will not only not be okay with your transness but they will be quite cruel about it.  Do not let other people determine your self-worth.  Stay safe and have fun!

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.

Tips for the newly out

I know a number of guys who’ve made coming out/starting physical transition parts of their New Year’s resolutions in the past, so I figure I’ll throw out a few things for anyone who’s considering it for 2010.

  1. Breathe.  No, seriously.  Breathe.  If you’re scared, you’ll get through this.  We’re all a bit scared at first.  It gets easier with time.  If you’re too excited to speak, you’re going to get very annoying very quickly.  I know, it’s a big deal and you’re thrilled about getting to be yourself.  It’s still no fun to talk to someone who only ever goes on about one thing.
  2. Continue your old hobbies.  This ties into the not driving everyone insane.  If all of a sudden you start forgoing your weekly scrapbooking and gossip marathon with your best friend in favour of hanging out with your new trans friends then you don’t get to complain when your old friend ditches you.  Why?  Because you ditched them first.  It’s great to have trans friends, particularly early on when everything’s shiny and new.  There’s a balance though, don’t give up everything you used to like just because now you’re transitioning.
  3. Fuck passing.  I’m not kidding.  Fuck those stupid lists of things you “should” do in order to look like a guy.  They don’t work for everyone, they don’t even work for most people.  Passing is a combination of individual genetics, appearing comfortable in whatever you’re wearing, and putting together a cohesive look.  Pick whatever guy clothes you like, even if they’re on the nelly side.  Hell, pick out a few basic things from the women’s section if that’s what you want.  Skinny jeans look about the same no matter where they come from (just remember to pack).  Whatever you wear, make sure it matches (no pink glitter shirts with grunge metal jeans) and be confident.  People are far less likely to question you if you act like you belong.
  4. Keep your style.  This goes in with the above.  Don’t sacrifice your personal style for anything.  For that matter, don’t sacrifice any of yourself.  The entire point of transition is to be yourself, there’s no use in bothering with it if you’re just trading one set of uncomfortable mannerisms for another.  Do you like to watch HGTV?  Then watch HGTV.  No one cares.
  5. Men are not wild animals.  I cannot begin to express just how annoyed I get by all the “don’t smile” and “don’t make eye contact” passing tips.  Honestly?  Most guys are nice enough.  Most guys aren’t going to just randomly start beating you if you do something socially unacceptable (for the most part, I don’t suggest grabbing a stranger’s crotch or anything).  You might get a funny look, but really guys are like any other people.  Just usually taller and hairier.  So smile.  It makes your face look better.

Oh FFS. You CAN’T tell if someone is trans unless you ask.

Apparently this is “stupid trans questions 101” week here on the blog.  I might have to make a FAQ section or something.

So cispeople: YOU CAN’T TELL IF SOMEONE IS TRANS JUST BY LOOKING.  Seriously, cut that shit out.  The guy you’re looking at could just be short/pretty/slim/whatever.

Even if you think you’re sure someone is trans don’t say anything.  It’s rude.  It reminds us that most people don’t see us for who we are.  Plus, you could be wrong.  There is very little more awkward than mis-gendering someone, you really don’t want to put yourself through that.

What if you just have to know?  Too bad.  Unless you’re going to be sleeping with the person it’s really none of your business.  I don’t go around asking about your junk, don’t ask about mine.  By the same token, if someone comes out to you don’t ask about “the surgery” or anything related to that.  You don’t see me asking about your latest pap smear/rectal exam.

If you absolutely must say something go with “you look great” or “that’s a nice shirt” or some variation thereof.  Everyone likes to be complimented.

For the Non-Trans Gay Men: Liking a Trans Guy Does NOT Make You Straight

I already did one of these for the women, but apparently it needs spelled out for the gay men as well because I just got fifteen hits in one day for this question.

Seriously lads, liking a transguy is still liking a guy.  The lack of a penis irritates me just as much as it irritates you.  Actually, it most likely irritates me more.  Imagine how you’d feel if you woke up one day without your dick.

Are there some cultural differences?  It depends on the guy.  I was raised in gay male circles and know more about gay history than most gay men my own age.  Other transguys were into women before they came out and are still learning about interaction and social cues.  Just like with any other guy, a particular transguy may or may not be your type.  We’re all different though so don’t assume because you didn’t mesh with one transguy you won’t mesh with any of us.

A few myths to dispel: No, we are not straight women trying to “turn” you.  You’re not that attractive and it’s really not worth the effort.  Do you seriously think we decided to start shooting ourselves up with steroids and chopping off parts of our bodies just to get dates?  It’s a bit much to go through, especially since many of us were more popular before we came out.

No, we are not the stepping stone between gay and straight.  We are dudes, if you like one of us you still like a dude.  You don’t get to use us as a way to figure out your own sexuality, just as straight men don’t get to use gay hookers to figure out theirs.  It’s rude, it’s cruel, and it’s ignoring that we’re just as human as you are.

No, we are not all bottoms.  Some of us are tops, some of us switch.  It depends on the guy just like anyone else.

No, we are not all former butch lesbians.  Like I said before, I was raised with gay guys.  I have no lesbian-dar and wouldn’t know what to do in a lesbian group.  Most of the time I end up accidentally offending someone.  Plus, I’m not butch.  At all.

Yes, we do like cock just as much as the next gay guy.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be hitting on you, would we?

We’re guys.  Guys with a particular medical condition that requires a particular set of treatment options.  Other than that we’re not all that different from you.