1.Â Get comfortable with the idea of gay sex.
Many FTMs date women at first because they assume that they must like women if they are a man, but this is not true at all.Â If you are interested in dating men or already do, then start calling yourself gay and get used to the idea.Â This is important because being a gay man is frowned upon, and announcing that you are going to transition to a gay man takes most people aback.Â Most will not understand this, but that’s okay because you’ve found this website and a good portion of transmen are gay.Â You are not alone.
As a big part of this, you will have to overcome internalized homophobia in addition to internalized transphobia, so talking about your sexuality is just as important as talking about your gender (which I’m sure you do all the time ;)).Â You must unlearn many of the ideas you subconsciously have about gay men and gay sex, which is not easy.Â You might have some sexual repression.Â You might feel shame when you call yourself gay.Â It may feel really uncomfortable.Â You need a gay and trans positive person to talk to about this.Â Don’t ignore it and assume that accepting your transsexuality means that you are okay with being gay as well.
If you’ve never had sex with another man and would like to, but are scared, you may just need to do some research.Â This could be as simple as making out with a guy (preferably gay), watching gay porn, or making some gay male friends and asking them some questions at the risk of sounding dumb or silly.Â Explore.
2. Your new (gay) libido
At the beginning the wait for muscles, a deeper voice and hair seems endless.Â It never comes fast enough, does it?Â While you wait, lets work on becoming comfortable talking about your libido.Â Testosterone jettisons your libido into warp speed compared to what happened before.Â You could be like me and become a slutbag right away (not my normal way of being, but a valid choice) or you could wait a bit and get used to how it works first.
Your outside bits grow and become super sensitive.Â Thinking about sex makes you hot and bothered.Â Visual imagery has more of an impact.Â Smells drive you wild.Â Sometimes, sex will be the only thing on your mind and you can’t escape it.Â Find a hot video (Gayup.org/ is my favorite stop) and enjoy yourself.Â Repeat if necessary.Â All men go through this period of their lives but usually around age 15, so other people might really start to wonder what’s going on even if you haven’t told them yet.Â Once you get a hold on your libido and what gets you off, start to assess your level of readiness for the dating scene.
3.Â Getting ready to date (and passing).
When your body starts to masculinize, your body shape will change.Â If you can afford it, replace your clothes (buy nice ones and get them tailored if you are short) as they stop fitting.Â Gay men, in general, like to show off their bodies.Â You might have already done this before, but many transmen never felt comfortable as women to go so far as to show their body off, so this may take some getting used to.Â Tight clothes are encouraged, packing is a must.Â Â Find your assets and show them off.Â You may need another gay man’s assessment on your body (scary, I know), but it will help you figure this out, as everyone is different.Â For instance, I have quite the booty, always have and always will.Â Before I transitioned, I hated it and tried to hide it.Â Now, it’s what gets me a date, so I’ve learned to love it and show it off.
For those who are pre-surgery, binding must become your art.Â Depending on their size, your most hated bodily possessions must be squeezed to death under layers of fabric and made to look like a male’s chest as much as possible.Â It is very easy for some and an enormous (pun intended) proposition for others. Some other men might just think its all muscle under there from far away.Â Â Others won’t notice at all.Â Figure out what works best for you.Â Make sure you can breathe, especially if you like to dance like me.Â Wear the binder while shopping because certain clothes make it seem to disappear.
For those post-surgery or the rare “I barely need surgery” men, show off your chest.Â Pre-surgery, I slouched hardcore and had to relearn how to carry myself as if I’ve never been embarrassed about my chest.Â Get some muscles and revel in your new chest.
4.Â Dating (and passing as a gay man).
I hate to stereotype gay men in general, but it is a well-known fact that gay men are superficial ;).Â When cruising or socializing you will most likely be judged on the way you looked (as previously female, you’ve probably already experienced this).Â However, you may have taken care before to not look too put together in order to look less female, but now you need to reverse this in order achieve your fullest dating potential.Â Take care of yourself – eat good food, exercise, and quit smoking.
Regarding the acquisition of a special friend, testosterone will determine when you start passing consistently, but there are some things you can do to increase your chances of being seen as a gay man.Â If you around other gay men, being open about your sexuality is a good start (especially, if you don’t pass that well yet) – make sure they know you’re gay.Â Â Flirt.Â Â Go dancing.Â Make out.Â Â (Don’t do the drugs!).Â USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Â Seriously.
When you find someone you like and who may like you, you need to figure out when and how to tell him that you are trans.Â This is a sensitive and complex subject that cannot be discussed in full in this context, but I wanted to mention it because your safety is important.Â Give this a lot of thought and do not assume that he won’t be okay with it.Â But also expect that some men will not only not be okay with your transness but they will be quite cruel about it.Â Do not let other people determine your self-worth.Â Stay safe and have fun!
Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.Â Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.Â He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.
Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.